My Mother.

A few days ago my mother called me. As I was at work, I could not answer. When I left work, I listened to her voice mail. "I'm in the E.R. Call me." Instant panic took over. I even yelled out "Oh, no!" without realizing. I immediately called her. She could not have answered quickly enough. In the short walk to my car I had completely run out of breath. "Hey, are you ok?!" Her voice was soft as usual. "Yeah. My heart was acting up and I had some chest pains." On the phone, my response was "Ok." as in "You're still alive, that's good" but in my head my response was "Oh no no no, this isn't happening, I'm not ready for these kinds of things to happen."

My grandmother just passed away last year. She was my mother's mother so naturally they looked very much alike. Almost identical. My mother and I are nearly night and day if it weren't for our eyes. Watching my grandmother deteriorate very quickly was upsetting on it's own. However, what I couldn't seem to look past was the thought "What will I do when this happens to Mom?" And then, in this moment on the phone, there was a flash of this thought again. In that moment I thought of Mom's several thousands of personal items, the welfare of my teenage brother and sister, my own mortality, and mostly hers. I sat in my car, freezing because I hadn't thought to put the key in the ignition yet. And I had also kept my eyes shut while she was speaking. It was almost as if I was hoping it was a nightmare.

She was waiting on test results. They couldn't be sure of what was causing her troubles without lots and lots of tests, of course. She said she would call me back as soon as they gave her an answer. I went back into the store and sat in the break room, having a stupid amount of trouble trying to keep my hands still. I kept my phone on me and waited for her to call back. When she did I was at the top of a latter and nearly fell off because I knew it was her. "All I can say is that my life is pretty plain...." I answer the phone. She explained that it wasn't a heart attack. Huge waves of relief wash over me briefly. It turns out the problem is ulcers. Ulcers in her stomach and esophagus are affecting her right heart valve and keeping it from working like it should and the feeling is very similar to a heart attack. They hope that with acid reflux medication this problem will fade.

This situation reminds me of a couple of years ago when my dad told me he was going to have a large chunk of his lip cut out due to sun damage and cancer. Although both diagnoses sounded scary and life-threatening in the beginning and both turned out to be relatively harmless and mild, they both made me panic and face the thoughts I had been trying to escape. No one wants to watch their parents die. Neither of my parents have lead healthy lives. They both have their fair share of problems. I don't want to lose them. I don't want my kids to lose them. I don't want to handle things when they're gone. Who will I turn to? And what will the days leading up to the end be like?

2013

I haven't even looked at this page in a very long time. I had imagined originally that I would use this page to rant, release, draw out all the stresses in my life. I haven't used it lately...and it shows. I wouldn't call myself depressed. Of course I wouldn't. That would make me seem as if I were fishing for pity and just the idea makes my skin crawl. However, if I'm being completely honest, I do believe that if I had the time, money, or care to visit a doctor of some kind they might tell me that I am not balanced. I have a very bad temper and I regularly feel sorry for myself for no particular reason. I cry...often. I would say there was a period in my life around college when I didn't cry as much, but as a teenager and as a post children woman I cry quite a bit. Then again, I also have happy moments; usually to myself. Don't read into that too much. I think I've written about these happy moments before. They usually occur when I hug my children or when I hear the perfect song or when the breeze blows through my hair and the temperature is that magical temperature that you can't really feel whether it's warm or cool. Those moments are fleeting, but during those moments I feel as if nothing is wrong. Everything is complete and perfect in my life. Almost as if I could "die happy." I wish I had more of those moments. As much as I feel I have terrible times, I also feel that my perfect times are more frequent than the perfect times that other people experience; even people who seem happier than I am. I generally do not smile. It's not that I want people to think I'm sad, it's just that I don't like to seem fake. I think there are some people in the world who are genuinely happy enough to walk around with a constant smile, but mostly I think the kind of people who walk around with a constant smile are faking it. That's their own business and if they're good at it, who cares really? Faking is not for me, though. I just can't do it. My face has a shape that revolves around a natural frown and eye brows that turn when I don't want them to. My face looks unhappy all the time when, in fact, I'm indifferent. I am coasting though without cares. And yet, I still believe that my happy moments are an anomaly.

No one would possibly believe this about me, but when I was in college I wrote a speech on happiness. It was the sort of thing you would expect from some neo-hippie type of cheery person, not me. At the time I was pretty happy. Life was simple in college and I could do whatever I wanted to. I had no ties to anyone else and was free to think only of myself. I can't remember all of that speech. I do remember one of the closing lines though. "Imagine...how much better this world would be if we all were happy. And happiness isn't something you have to force. You can build it. It's already in you. You just need to find it and keep it." It sounds very corny, I know. At the time, I had mastered the idea of "letting things go" and just being happy on purpose. I still believe that is possible, but now, for me, it is much more difficult to obtain. I have bills I can't pay on time. I have a dead-end job but no ambition to go above it anyway. I have 2 children who constantly fight over who's touching who. I have a husband who by his own account is completely without the ability to express himself or do things on his own. I have days when I cannot get out of bed. I'm not old or injured, I just don't want to do anything...ever. I am lazy and without purpose.

So why do I ever have those perfect moments? Why do they come at all? I believe there is a spark in my brain. That spark wants to be happy and productive and energetic. How do I bring this out more? I can't change my situation. I have to change my thinking. New Year's resolutions are seemingly pointless. No one ever sticks to them. I never come up with any. A new year to me is just another year. Not a "clean slate" or a "second chance." Next year I will be 30. 30 is a big deal to a woman. I have wrinkles now and my hips hurt all the time (I need to lose weight). I can't change any of this.

There are people in this world who always do their best no matter what. I need that mentality. So where do I get it? It's already there. I need only to utilize it. And I plan on it. I plan on making myself get up and do. Do whatever needs to be done. For the new year I will "get over it." That is my New Year's resolution.