Hindsight

  I've been on my own for a year and a half now. It's given me a lot of time to think. I am about to turn 31 as well and nothing makes a woman think like hurtling another decade. The strangest thing has happened. I feel no attachment to my children's father anymore. Usually I look back on a previous relationship and can remember key things about what he and I had together. I remember nothing of him. There are no feelings that we ever even existed. I can't imagine why we ever did. That's not to say I regret it. I have 2 amazing children that I would go through all of my hardships for all over again just to ensure my life worked out in the same way and I could still have them. I think the answer lies in the fact that we never belonged together and we both knew it.

  I was raised in a house of fate, not faith. We believe everything happens for a reason. Everything is meant to be. At no instance did I ever feel that we were "meant to be". In fact, we told several people that we knew we weren't and we would make it work anyway. I have no idea why though. My mother is an amazing person who has always instilled in me that life unfolds as it should. I always thought I would find a soulmate. I thought it would be love at first sight. I knew it existed before, but not during, and I know again now that it does. But that's later.

   I met him after a string of unsuccessful relationships (if they can be so called). I was in college and for that entire year, I lived pretty carelessly, I admit. I made the mistake of becoming friends with the few men I slept with and then slipping away before they could reject me. I was tired of that. We frequently had parties and at any time there could be 60 people in our apartment. He came to one of those parties. And although he had a girlfriend, he couldn't take his eyes off me. Now, this is a time in my life when I felt on top of the world. And the thing that fed me was attention. I'm old enough now that I can admit that. He gave me plenty of attention and it was even more alluring to me because he was taken. But I still had my morals, even then, and I refused to make moves on men who were taken. However, one night, he kissed me in the driveway. This empowered me. I felt as though he must really be hung up on me and that made me feel good. When I was younger I noticed a trend of falling for boys who fell for me first. Boys that I never would have looked at twice could get my full attention if they seemed to like me enough.  A few days later he dumped his current girlfriend for me. It was all very complimenting. How could I turn him down after that? So I began seeing him even though we had absolutely nothing in common. He wasn't my type at all. Everyone knew it and seemed shocked that we were together. If nothing else, he was clearly all about me and he was kind to me. I also had myself convinced that dating someone like that would make me feel in control and thereby happy. What more could I want? Six months in, we nearly broke up. My roommate and I had gotten very drunk and I tried to get into my car. She proceeded to stop me and we drunkenly shoved each other in the garage. He shoved her away in my defense and now things were all very awkward between us. I had to move out. So, of course, I moved in with him. 

  Within 6 months, he proposed to me. It was the morning after my 21st birthday (Christmas Eve). I was so hungover I nearly threw up on him. And rather than a joyous and tearful "Yes!" I looked away from him and said "Does it have to be right away?" THAT should have been a big red flag. Someone put in my head that weddings can take a couple years to plan though, so I started planning anyway. Planning a wedding can really sweep a woman and her rational thoughts away. I believe that women are hardwired to believe that if a man really believes he can put up with your shit for the rest of his life, you'd better accept because no one else will ever feel that way about you. It's almost as if people have to make the choice to get married or break up and if you're not ready to break up, you'd better just get married. It's like a dance to keep from hurting each other's feelings. I beg anyone who reads this, if you have a shred of doubt, do not say yes. I know turning down a marriage proposal is completely unheard of, but you could be ruining your life as well as theirs, not to mention, wasting everyone's time on a cosmic level. A month before the wedding I found out I was pregnant. I lost that baby just as I was truly feeling excited about having a child. The whole "get married, have children" life had me swept away. I had settled in. I became pregnant again a few months after the wedding. We were already fighting by then. By the time our second child came, the attention he fed to me that worked so well in keeping me around had long gone. I was furniture. I only existed to take care of our children. I was an appliance. 

  Now, in hindsight, I can see that it never should have happened. And I knew before we were married that we had no business being together. However, my children are my reason for living. My only reason. There's no need to regret anything leading up to my children. And now? Now my life is good, not perfect, but I'm working on that. 

  The point is that I continue to understand myself and the way I am more and more everyday.  I've repaired my once partially severed relationship from my mother and friends. I'm happy. We're happy. Life is good for now. 

Why I am a Bitch.

Today someone told me that I should smile more. This is common. Super common. I would say I hear it at least once a day. It's no secret that I'm not....bubbly. I find that pushing fake smiles out is incredibly uncomfortable for me. However, I am not an unhappy person. I am indifferent, but not unhappy. My persona is best described as "dead pan", "bored", "bitchy", "unimpressed". That isn't exactly my aim though. My aim is to look uninviting. Here is the reason why:

Between the seventh and eighth grade my boobs grew quickly and overbearingly. And you can ask my mother (who still believes I might be a lesbian because of these teen year fashions) and she'll tell you I immediately began wearing baggy, anti-feminine clothing and I developed a tremendous slouch in my posture. I was already a shy person and this new flashing billboard attached to my chest was completely stifling and unwelcome. I got teased. Most girls invented rumors that I stuffed my bra while most boys dared each other to accidentally bump into them or try to get paper wads to land between them. I didn't like this attention. Even good attention felt invasive to me. By the time I got to college I had moved away and made friends with girls who were very pretty and liked that they were pretty. I envied them so much. They let me borrow their clothes frequently and for a short time I began to feel proud of my figure. A SHORT time. I had a job at a gas station for a few years. In that gas station I met a thousand people a day, most of which never ever looked me in the eyes. I commonly refer to my boobs as being "comically big" because they don't even look they belong on my body. Being that I feel like a freak of nature, I equated people looking at them to people making fun of me in their heads. I began to avoid eye contact. I got a lot of unwanted attention from men during those years and I discovered that being polite was a no no.

So, I stopped smiling. I developed a habit of never looking at people and keeping an uninterested and vacant glare at all times. There aren't many things in this world that make me as uncomfortable as knowing that a stranger is staring at me. But please don't read this as "I'm so attractive and awesome that if I smile I'll have to fight off all the men!" That couldn't be further from how I really feel about myself. I've just been instilled with this painfully insecure shyness. I can feel myself blushing if someone even looks at me for too long. It's not always a good kind of blushing either. Sometimes it's a panic. Now I'm older and not as attractive as I once was, but it's too late. My personality is ingrained. So although I don't believe I should have to worry about people looking at me like they're starving and I'm a steak, I cannot act differently than I always have. I can only smile with people I am very close with and trust on some level.  If I seem uninviting to you, it doesn't mean that I dislike you. I just don't know you yet.