I Should Be Jogging

 So...I've been doing some exercising. I am about 40 pounds over weight which I absolutely loathe. I've lost about 12. I need to lose more. People tell me I look fine. But they don't know what I used to look like. In high school I hated myself because I got teased for my big boobs. But then I got out of high school and realized my boobs were pretty nice, my hair was naturally blonde, and I was thin. All those things put together made me pretty hot, I'm not going to lie. For a couple years I was pretty awesome. I was confident and did pretty much any damn thing I felt like doing. I went out...a lot. I dated quite a bit and for a while I had a guy mentality about dating. When I didn't feel like hanging out with a guy, I just blew him off. I had lots of friends and I was always busy. These days, I've had 2 kids and gained 20 lbs with each pregnancy and I have become very boring. I still have the same personality I've always had, I'm just slightly muted I guess. I don't feel like acting like I'm great is appropriate if I don't look great. It's low self esteem I suppose. Some days when my hair looks perfect or I've lost another pound or someone who isn't crazy or disgusting hits on me, I feel a little better. And I've noticed on those days I do everything better. I have more patience with my kids, I'm more playful with my husband, and I even work harder at my job. It's the oddest thing. I should just hire someone to follow me around and tell me I'm the shit every day. I know it sounds completely stupid to other people but I have trouble believing that even my husband is still attracted to me. I feel like when he met me I still looked amazing and that's why he doesn't mind how I look now. Almost like it's a given that when you marry a cute girl, she eventually going to get fat and stop shaving her legs or something. That sucks. Sometimes I wonder if he's only into me because we're married and I'm his only option anymore so what's he going to do about it? He's tried to assure me that's not true. If he had his way I'd be kicking in the teeth of anyone who looks at me a little too long. But I don't. I don't reciprocate, but I don't shun people either. If someone stares a little too long I think to myself, "Someone who only knows the fat version of me likes the way I look? Preposterous!" But it does make me feel good. I think all women feel this way.
 Unfortunately that's why so many of them cheat on their husbands. They are so starved for attention that as soon as they get it from someone new, they go crazy. It's a shame. I think that's why so many military wives cheat (not that they're the only ones, they're just who I hear of a lot). Their husbands aren't there to look at them, but someone is looking. I don't understand cheating. It's not worth the trouble or the drama. If you actually met someone else and thought they could be the love of your life, then the person you're with must not mean much to you and you should just split up. There's no reason to be with 2 people ever. If the second person you meet isn't worth losing the first person, then they're not even worth looking at.
 But anyway, the point is I need to lose weight. I don't want to be as thin as I was in high school. This butt with these boobs were not meant to be on a 117 lb body. I think 130 would be good. I could just tone up in a lot of places and still keep my size. Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 too. But her size 14 ass looked amazing. Mine...so-so. I've kind of plateaued in my weight loss. I need to do more exercise than what I've been doing to lost more weight. I could go to a gym but I already have an enormous amount of guilt that my sitter sees my kids more than I do. How do other women do this?!

"Old Fashion" Eye Exam

 I had headaches in the 7th grade. The eye doctor said I was straining my eyes to see the chalkboard. They put me in glasses. Terrible. I kept them for about a month and tossed them. My vision always seemed a little blurry, but it didn't bother me. When I became pregnant with my son I found out you could get your eyes checked for free so since I hadn't gotten that done in 10 years I decided to go for an exam. You know that machine that shoots a puff of air into your eyes to test the pressure behind them? That day the machine was broken. I said "Oh, good. I hate that thing." They said "Oh, we still have to do a test. We'll just do it the old fashion way." Ok.... I wasn't worried yet. Then 3 nurses took me into a room with a dentist style chair. What are we doing?? I'm worried at this point. They gave me eye drops that were supposed to numb my eyes. Which is a totally weird feeling.  It's like....it's like biting into a York Peppermint Patty! Not exactly. It's like standing on top of a mountain in Alaska though. Not in the refreshing way either. More like extreme cold burning your eyeballs and making you cry tears of antifreeze. Yeah, like that. Then 2 of the nurses hold my arms down. ♪Panic!♪ They pull out this thing that looks like a giant pen with a clicker on the end. They tell me I must look directly at the "probe" the entire time or they have to start over. So they put this device on my pupil. Fucking ON it. And they click the button 10 times. Each time it pushed my eye back into my socket. They click it 10 times for each eye and it has to be right on the pupil or they start over. I was traumatized. And blind as it turns out.
 They actually asked me if I drove there. I thought they were joking. They were not. They also asked me if I was color blind. I said "No, why?" and they said "So, you can see the red of the stop signs before you get to them?" ??? I said "Are you suggesting I can't read STOP on a stop sign?" Turns out I can't see anything more than 6 feet away. Nice. I didn't notice the difference when I was inside the doctor's office, but when I walked outside it was amazing. For the first time in my life I could see individual leaves on the trees and shingles on the roof tops. They must have thought I was having an acid trip in the parking lot. Ridiculous! I never get an eye exam without first asking "Is the puff thingy working today?" Never.

In The 80's

 It's a well known fact that when I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be just like Tina Turner and marry Billy Idol. I decided I wanted to be like Tina the first time I watch Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. She had chain mail clothing and a 5 foot long blond mohawk. In the 80's, it didn't get much cooler than that. And Billy Idol? Well he was just unbelievably hot back then. I pretty much swore off all brunette boys because of him. I'm surprised I married a guy with brown hair actually. At the time I hated the 80's things. But in the past couple years I have found a deep appreciation for the 80's. I'm still not crazy about the fashions (no matter how much money you spent on your clothes they all appeared to be made out of pillow cases), but the pop culture was amazing and I miss it. All those awesome movies. Friday The 13th, Nightmare On Elm St., E.T., The Big Chill, Can't Buy Me Love, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Porky's, Poltergeist, Back To The Future, When Harry Met Sally, Ghostbusters, Stand By Me. I mean, seriously, it was an awesome decade for movies. And the music, I actually only discovered in the last few years. When I was growing up in the 80's my parents only listened to older stuff. I grew up believing that Led Zeppelin was 80's music. I always liked Guns N Roses, Aerosmith, U2, The Cars, and lots of random 1 hit wonders which the 80's seem to be made of. My dad liked rock and my mom liked easy listening. Iin the last few years I've decided I love The Cure, The Velvet Underground, The Smiths, The Clash, The Talking Heads, The B-52s, and Duran Duran. Praise iTunes that I can get on there anytime I'm in the mood for something different and find the 80's stuff because most of the albums were not worth buying as a whole.

Logic Need Not Apply

 Why do people say the phrase "I could care less." Am I the only one who knows this is wrong? It should be "I couldn't care less." Right? And why do people say you're a "reckless" driver? Shouldn't it be "reckful" or some variation of that?  Why is there braille on drive up ATMs? There is a sign on the drive-thru window at McDonalds that says "We have braille menus." How will the people who need braille find out? And why would they be in the drive thru? And how the fuck do they not know what's on a McDonald's menu by now? Why do I get the hiccups everyday of my life? I've got them right now! Why do they say "It's always in the last place you look?" Of course it is, why would you continue looking once you've found it? Psh....
 I'll add more shit to this later...

What The Fuck?

 If the word "Fuck" bothers you, turn away now. I'm a firm believer in the line "If you hit a woman love dies, if you drop a bomb peace dies, but if you say 'fuck' nothing actually happens." I could be safe and say "You know what really grinds my gears?" Psh....not good enough. There's just something about the word "FUCK" that makes me feel justified. Nothing really expresses what I want to say better than that. Nothing. I like to rant. A lot. I cuss a considerable amount when I'm with people who don't mind it. I'm aware that obscenities are unnecessary and out of place for some people. And for others it's completely normal and very necessary. I also realize you can over use curse words and look as if you're too stupid to come up with anything else but a string of profanity. But I think lightly sprinkled in, they get the point across. I cuss more than I should, I am aware. I wouldn't say it defines me, but it is part of who I am. I generally say what people are thinking but don't want to say. You can count on me.

Scorpion Stepping

 When I was 4 or 5 years old I stepped on a scorpion. That's what I'm told at least. No one actually saw what I stepped on, but that's what the doctor decided and who's going to argue with him?
 I was outside helping my dad with the wood. He would split it and I would throw it into the back of the truck. We were doing this because the house we lived in had a wood stove and nothing else. We lived in "The Hobbit House" in Fordland, Missouri. It was referred to "The Hobbit House" by the locals because it had an unusual mushroom shape. Some hippie people built it a long time before. The windows were green because they were made from wine bottles. There was no bathroom so a separate bathhouse was built later. It was mostly wood and had an old dusty termite infested smell. It was built into a hillside in a way that the kitchen was underground and the back door opened behind the hill. I loved this house and if it still stands I would love to see it again. Anyway... because I was apparently the very definition of a "country bumpkin" I did not generally wear shoes. I stepped on something sharp and a little hurty. It didn't hurt much though so I ignored it. I ran into the house for dinner and by the time we sat down to eat the bottom of my foot had become one of those pogo balls. You know, that toy from the 80's that looked like someone took a ball and shoved it through a giant Frisbee and you were supposed to balance on it? Anyway, so the bottom of my foot has a golf ball sized lump protruding from it with bright red lines running from the lump and up my leg. I would later find out this was poison traveling through my veins. It would suffice to say that I wear my damn shoes outside now.

The Water Is Broken

Now that people may begin finding this waste of Internet space, that is if the Internet actually contains or is space, I think I should start putting more interesting stuff in these posts. My life isn't ridiculously exciting, but I do have some stories and for the sake of maybe losing my mind someday I will put my stories into actual text. The place to start is always at the beginning.
 The earliest story of my life is the night I was born. I was born in December in Springfield Missouri so, of course, it was freezing outside. My father was doing laundry at a nearby laundromat. My mother was with her mother resting. When her water broke she alerted my grandmother who in turn said "Anita Lynn, did you piss yourself?!" When my grandma realised Mom was in labor she told someone else to run over to the laundromat and tell Dad to hurry home. The laundromat was full of other men doing laundry because it was so extremely cold out I guess the wives and girlfriends had to stay home. When this person ran into the laundromat and said "Her water's broken!" all the other men thought they meant the water pipes were broken so all of them cleared out right away and rushed home to take care of their broken pipes.

The Book Of If

 I have decided to write a blog with actual thoughts in it. It's called The Book Of If and I will actually be sharing with some people, if they want to know about it. Again, I don't expect to change people's lives with my genius, but (unlike this dribble) it will be something I want the outside world to see. Unfortunately that means they will also be able to find this. This....weird shit. I haven't even said too many funny things here. And funny is pretty much all I got. I guess I should probably write about things that people may not know. It still bothers me to say "write." It's not really writing. Moving On.
 I don't generally drink soda. My sophomore year my kidneys tried to go on strike and a doctor told me I couldn't have caffeine anymore. So I cut out all caffeine. Then when I was pregnant I craved Pepsi like crack. Not that I've ever craved crack. Now Pepsi is still a weakness for me.
 I like peanut butter and chocolate but never together. I think it's weird that people put them together. And gross.
 I have an obsession for movies and music. I know most music aside from country cause it sucks. And I use movie lines to express almost everything I'm thinking.  I like horror movies most. Some hilarious movies and a very small amount of dramas. They have to be amazing and different.
 I'm a bitch. I can be very nice, but when I'm with people I'm very comfortable with I say what I'm thinking which is usually not good. I get a lot of grief about this, but I can't be any other way. I am kind of mean to people I like. I like to tease people. If I don't tease you, I may secretly hate you. I'm polite to you so you'll go away. I feel like people who act happy and tickled all the time are fake and lying to themselves and the rest of the world. No one is happy all the time. It's not like I'm sad though. I'm like my dad. Dark sense of humor and off color morale.
 I am nostalgic. I like finding things that remind me of being a kid again. I spend too much time and money on this hobby.
 I am left handed. I do several things with my right hand. I've heard only 11% of the world is left handed. In kindergarten my teacher tried to tell my mom I was dyslexic and they tried to make me write right handed. It just made me write backwards.
 My parents divorced when I was 7. I remember thinking "Why can't they just say they're sorry and get over it?" I was upset for a long time. But slowly my memories came back and I realized my parents were better off. They are, in fact, better friends now. Mom raised me, but I've always been a Daddy's girl. I used to go fishing with my dad and arrow head hunting. And as a kid I thought my mother didn't like me because she didn't want to play with me. Now I know that my mom was always depressed because of dramatic fights between her and dad. Dad always acted like it wasn't happening so we were good. My only really vivid memory of one of their fights I told my mom not to cry because it made me cry and I gave her my teddy bear.
 I have 5 birth marks. Freakin 5. A really dark patch of skin on the top of my right foot that's shaped like a teddy bear's head. A red lightning bolt shape on the inside of my left thigh. A large perfect oval just above my ass. A small Australia shaped spot on the left side of my rib cage. And a spot on my scalp that causes a very light strand of hair.
 I'm a great friend, but an awful girlfriend. I've improved greatly as a wife. But in the past I treated relationships like burdens. I treat my friends pretty good, but I looked down on boyfriends like they were beneath me (a little pun intended). I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I had a habit of dating guys who were best friends with me and instantly my attitude would change towards them. All of sudden the funny things they said or did before were embarrassing now and I hated them for it. As a wife, I don't worry about that now.
 That's a fair amount of junk about me. The new blog that I will be "writing" I want to share because I'm writing it for my mom. Her health is so-so. I don't expect to lose her anytime soon, but it's got me thinking about it. The Book Of If is a book we discovered a long time ago. We take it on road trips and camping; basically anytime we know we're going to need to kill time. It's a book of questions. We read it aloud and find out how everyone would answer. For example "If you were allowed to eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?" Stuff like that. It seems like something I can easily make a blog about. God, blog is such a stupid word. I don't think this new blog will seem amazing or insightful to anyone. I just feel like writ- typing it. That's better.

Bigger than hoola hoops.

 Those who know me would assume this post will be about my boobs. They would be half right. I have dealt with my boobs for 15 years. I'm not a huge fan of them, but I have to admit if I were to lose them, my feelings would be hurt. My boobs grew over night when I was 13. When I came back to school in a C cup boys made fun of me and girls hated my guts. Everyone in school accused me of stuffing my bra. So I developed a love of baggy clothes. It wasn't until I was out of school that I appreciated my curse. It doesn't make sense to me when smaller chested girls complain. Sure you get looks, but most of the time those looks are completely unwanted and make you uncomfortable. I understand a glance when you first meet me. They are unusually huge. I'm a reasonable person so "Everybody gets one." But after that, stop looking. Seriously.
 The other half of this particular rant involves what I wish I were doing with my life. I don't have any regrets about leaving college. There's nothing I want to do that really requires college. I like art and being creative. That's either in you or it's not. Working with auto parts isn't really artistic. Although this is boring as hell, it's still a little artistic. Posting this crap and hanging out on FB does the trick for now...

Sleep.

I don't sleep well. Never have. I find that my best and deepest sleep is between 4 and 6am, most of the time. My husband gets up at 4am to go hunting on the weekends and it drives me insane. He tries to be quiet and not wake the whole house, but it's impossible. So the kids wake up and I wake up and we're up for the rest of the day. So, now I've had almost no sleep. I'm irritated and worse, I can't even find the motivation to get up and use this time to be productive. I just lie in bed watching tv; movies if the kids go back to sleep. Most of the movies I watch aren't kid friendly. As of this moment I am watching A Clockwork Orange which somehow gets weirder every time I watch it. This is one of those movies you need to watch a few times to understand. "English" English is very unusual. And even once you understand what they're saying, you can't possibly grasp what's going on in this movie. While the plot is very interesting, the artistic views are so abstract it's more like an acid trip. Not that I would know. I have an innate fear of doing drugs. I enjoy the general hippie culture, but have never done a drug in my life. I think most of my friends think I'm a pothead. But I'm not. I've been around it quite a bit and the smell of pot actually makes me sneeze uncontrollably. How did I get from insomnia to an allergy to weed?