Safety First!

    So...I was driving on Preacher Roe in the delivery car last Thursday morning and as I passed an area where the city crew is putting in sidewalks and the turning lane is closed I looked up and saw a white SUV in my lane. Although it's a lame excuse, these are the facts. The SUV was stopped and waiting to turn. (All brake light lenses should be clear for this reason) The sun was shining on their taillights so brightly that I did not see that their brake lights were on. There's a strange thing that happens when the sun shines on red taillights. It makes them look like they're glowing but not necessarily on. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Surely you can tell when a car is at a dead stop whether their brake lights are on or not." Haha...no . Not with this depth perception of mine! A major problem is trailers that don't have brake lights. Anyway- I had time to hit the brakes, but to no avail. I rear ended the shit out of them. In an instant that felt like full minutes the airbag blew up in my face, smoke filled the car, and water from a cooler in the back splashed throughout. It was sensory overload! I opened my eyes, looked around, and shoved the door open just enough so I could climb out into the road. I was choking from the smoke and crawled to the side of the road to lie and my back and cough. The first pain I noticed was my arms. I had both hands on the wheel and the airbag hit them on it's way out. The panel from the steering wheel struck my right arm especially hard. Of course, their Explorer thing was barely effected, while the delivery car was TOTALED. I was taken to the E.R. by ambulance, taped down to a goddamn board and it sucked. BUT, I am fine. The airbag burned me in a few places and I am miserably bruised, but I am fine. I was wearing my seat belt, so it could have been much worse. The car is ruined, but it actually wasn't that bad of a wreck. The paramedic explained to me that new cars are mad to crumple easily. That way the *car absorbs all the impact and not *you. Make sense I suppose.

Progression

    It has been a month since Michael and I split up. I'm doing as ok as I can be, I suppose.I have caught myself avoiding people though. I don't really like to talk about it. I like to write about it though. Writing is so much easier for me because I can get it out exactly the way I want to. Also, when I speak, I generally come off as sarcastic even when I don't mean to. People can take what I say the wrong way, possibly because I don't present it very well. I have been talking with some people. One of my oldest and best friends, Melissa, pretty much knows everything. Also I've been talking with my friend, Bryan, who is a very good referencing point because he's a man who has no other interest than friendship with me and who has also been through a divorce. I have completely avoided talking to men who may pursue something more with me. What I find easier than anything is talking to my friends on the internet about everything. I realize now that I need to keep things out of the public so I've stopped with that. Talking to people on the internet is easy because they don't live in our town so there's no possibility of bumping into any of them. And I feel like none of them will judge us because they don't really know us. I know most people are just fine without "internet friends" that they don't know and will never know, but these strangers are more understanding than the people in my real life. And I'm happy to have them.

   As emotions go, we seem to be nearing the end of the Olympics. Seem to be. He has gone through the gamut of emotions and I think he's starting to even out now. And although it's been awful some days and I feel like I never want to see him again, I understand that the bad times must happen. He'll have frustration and anger for a long time. I did too. I just hope he can go be angry in his corner and not take it out on me, although it's about me. I think I've remained civil through all of this. My family has been very neutral about all of it. They just tell me it's my decision, he and I know what's going on and no one else. His family has completely kicked me to the curb. I expected nothing more, honestly. They've made assumptions that I have cheated on him. Why else would I have left so abruptly? The things is, it wasn't abrupt. He and I had this discussion twice before. Neither of us tried to keep it together and now it's over. My family wasn't that surprised. Probably because I tell them everything. He didn't tell his family about our problems and we put on a terrific act for them. So, while I disagree of course, I understand why they feel the way they do. Still, I wish they hadn't shunned me. It's part of it, I guess.

    When this all began I thought that because I was ready to get out that I would feel relieved and happy. I did at first. Then the repercussion part happened. I knew I couldn't be selfish for long. I rarely think of myself and leaving my husband was the ultimate self absorbed act for me. Some people are saying "Good for you for doing what you needed to be happy." Well, that's what I thought at first too, but now I see how it's effected him, our friends, our families, and our children. I don't feel remorse, but I do feel guilt. If there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that I made the right decision. That doesn't make it ok though. Our kids are handling things better than I expected. My daughter is oblivious. She just likes having 2 houses. My son is aware of what's happened but he doesn't know why we can't just stay together. I hope someday he will understand and this won't scar him. I thought my life would be ruined when my parents divorced. It wasn't. It improved greatly. My one goal throughout this is to make sure it's the same way for my kids.

    We visited with the lawyer. We're using the same one because everything is amicable between us. We are doing joint custody with the kids and our time with them will be completely equal. I don't want to be unfair in any way. Neither does he. As divorces go, I think we're doing well. We have bad days, but we still agree on all the legal stuff and I'm told that's the hard part. I think the emotional trouble is the hard part. So many ups and downs. We've talked about literally everything 2 people could possibly talk about though. Even chances of moving on with anyone else. He is unsure about talking to women ( a problem he's always had due to shyness). Me, I've never had to talk to men, they just come to me. As an older woman with 2 children now, I should probably learn to start a conversation though. It won't be as easy as it was for me in college to snag a guy. Of course, where does it even say that I must move on with someone else right away anyway? I'm really enjoying being alone for now. He's been texting a girl, but he doesn't seem interested in her. I've been talking to one of my "stranger" friends on Facebook. The good thing about it is I don't have to worry about him showing up at my door. He's several hundred miles away. It's sort of perfect for someone like me who doesn't want to get eaten up by the wolves that are the desperate single men who hang out in bars. *Shudder* As besides, he's very much like me.

    I've settled into a house. My rent is more than my house payment was. If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't have been able to do this. They've literally done everything involving money for me and I appreciate them so much for that. My mom and I have become close again. I'm really thankful for that. All in all I'd say life is not bad right now. It could be much much worse.

Post Separation

    So the apartment thing was not going to work out. Far too small for me and the kids. I found a house though. An awesome house in an awesome neighborhood. My first night alone I watched Evil Dead and ate Chinese food totally sans pants. It was awesome. At first the kids were really excited to stay in their "new" house. That excitement has wore off a little. Some nights they want to stay with me and other nights they want to stay with their dad. We're both loose about that stuff. We are getting along, but I think it's because he hasn't really allowed himself to get angry about the situation yet. I'm still waiting for his big blow up. I figure it has to happen sometime. I've gotten out all my frustration and at some point he will have to as well. I just hope it doesn't cause us to change our minds about being civil. We want to agree on everything. We want it to go smoothly. I mean, as smoothly as possible. One thing I'm certain of is I do not want to be the typical bitch ex-wife. I want to be fair. He's never been hateful with me and he loves the kids and they love him. There's no reason to do anything hurtful on my end and I hope he feels the same way.

    I've had a huge out pour of friends wanting to help me and offer their shoulders. I can't thank them enough. Everyone has been calling and checking on me and it makes me feel amazing. I had no idea so many people cared about me. As much as I love all the attention, I kind of wish someone would pay attention to Michael. He's the one that's hurting. And, honestly, he can't cry on my shoulder anymore. I've tried to be as understanding as I can, but it's running out. I can't live the separate life I want and be his rock. It just doesn't work. I find myself feeling incredibly annoyed when he tells me how depressed he is. I feel terrible about what I've done to him, but just that it's hurt him, not that it's over. I really wish someone would talk to him so he can get it off his chest. I've been out of the house and away from him for a week and it kind of still feels like we're married!

    I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I don't want to stick it in a box and possibly lose it though. It has my grandmother's ring soldered between them so I plan on giving it to my daughter. Simply tossing it somewhere seems careless. Maybe I'll put it in a safety deposit box. Secretly, I don't necessarily want people to think I'm single either. I don't feel single. At least not yet. I'm not excited to get out into the world, but I am excited to have the option to...if that makes any sense. It's like I want to feel free to go out, but I really hope no one talks to me. I don't know. Mixed emotions about all of it I guess.

    After all of this, I'm still thinking in the back of my mind "I hope Michael can feel as good as I do about this...someday."