The Confessional is Open

    It has been about a month and a half since I left my soon-to-be ex-husband. I've spent every ounce of energy I have trying to be civil. It has been exhausting though. He, on the other hand, has taken the....what's the opposite of "the high road"??? The point is he has been saying and doing every possible thing he can think of to try and hurt me the way I've hurt him. Let me reiterate. I am not without fault here. However, he believes my faults are much more than his now. Sometimes. Sometimes, he apologizes and admits total fault. Sometimes, he hates my guts. He believes he is justified in making my life a living hell because of my many faults, some of which have only come to light recently like the fact that I have said mildly inappropriate things to people on the internet. Here's the thing. My sense of humor is wildly inappropriate. It's really the only way I can joke about things. I wouldn't say I flirt with people. I'm actually quite awkward and terrible at flirting, but I do speak on subjects that are improper for public conversation. And, yes, I am guilty of not telling men to "fuck off" when they comment in an unbecoming fashion on my Facebook pictures. I don't return their comments with anything ill-suited though.  And, don't misunderstand. I've never cheated. I've never had an idea or intention of doing so. However, the more freely I had felt over the last few months about talking with other men (albeit average conversations) was sort of a red flag for me. Through my marriage I have been on a constant alert that I should not in any way appear that I wanted attention from any other male. I was so determined to make my husband believe that I would never cheat on him that over the years I'd become quite the cold-shouldered bitch. Now, although we had been discussing divorce for over 2 years. I made the conscience decision that I absolutely must do this a few months ago when I realized that accepting other men's compliments did not shame me anymore. Not only that, but I enjoyed them. He admits to never paying any attention to me. I hadn't received a kind word from anyone in years. Suddenly people were paying attention. Now, in person, most people won't compliment a married woman. The rules are different on the internet. People are anonymous, most of them, and they use that to give complete leave of their conscience and morals. I felt myself slipping even. I know it's not a sin to want attention, but I should have felt like it was at the time. I can't explain why. But the fact that I no longer felt like it was a sin was a very important clue that my marriage was over. My feelings for him were gone. I not only wanted out, but wanted the chance to find someone who might really care about me AND SHOW IT someday. I know, now, that my husband cared about me a great deal. That has only been shown to me now that I've left though. I never thought he cared while I was still there.  I know I never would have cheated, it's just not in me. But my conversations with others, alone, were enough to disrespect him. I'm not saying I told people I wanted to screw them or anything at all like that. Everything I ever said was based in humor; meant to be read as a joke so no one would actually send me a message with the intent of serious inappropriate banter. I am, after all, a coward when it comes to things of that nature. Had anyone decided that my overly sexual humor was an invitation and called on me for a serious conversation, I would have panicked and retreated with extreme embarrassment.
 
    An important part of this is the fact that he is very much a virgin to the internet world. He has, only recently, joined Facebook and Twitter. Trying to explain that everyone talks this way on the internet and it's considered quite normal to someone who's never seen it is impossible. His take on my jokes is that I'm a slut, plain and simple. To him, I may as well have just been sleeping with every person I said something ridiculous to. I can't convince him otherwise. He has even taken to nicknaming me "Kimmi the slut." Nice. It's very frustrating that I spent so many years explaining myself every time I came home a little late or didn't answer my phone. All for naught as it turns out. I'm apparently a slut anyway. He also doesn't believe that I only allowed myself to be this free with my words (mind you, my WORDS, not my being) recently. I was this open before I met him, but as we spent time together I noticed that he had a very distinct jealously problem that stemmed from every ex he had being an avid cheater. I quickly realized that if I wanted to make this man happy, I must sever all ties with male friends and completely abandon my brand of humor. Too many years of this made me a miserable person. I had no life in me. And then, right about the time I started opening up on the internet, I started being much more open around friends too. Even with him sitting next to me, I was becoming myself again. Good sign for me, bad sign for him. You could say much of our marriage was a misunderstanding of the minds. Our personalities are just so different. We were bound to end up apart, I think.

    Now, comes the fun part. The emotional roller coaster continues. His mood swings can only be measured in heart beats. He tells me he knows what he did to lose me, he's so sorry, he'd give anything to get me back. Then he tells me I'm a slut, this is all my fault, he can't wait to fuck someone else, I'm a worthless piece of shit, stop talking to him. And all the while I've been sitting and nodding my head. There's nothing more I can do. I refuse to fight. I just want to walk away and be left alone. In fact, if it weren't for our children I would be long gone. To another city, state, hemisphere...  The truth is, I began this post to get out all the frustration of the things he's put me through in the last month and half, but instead I ended up admitting what I've done wrong, again. I suppose I needed to get it off my chest though. Because although it wasn't cheating, it was wrong. I should have bailed before I dropped my wife guard and, essentially, became myself again. Honestly though, I don't think I had the guts until I became myself again. I can't take things back. I can't undo them. All I can do is sit back and watch the universe unfold.