Today I received word that an acquaintance committed suicide. We were not particularly close, but shared enough time on this planet that I felt the need to stop and say hello when we found ourselves crossing each other's paths. I knew she was suicidal. She had been for a very long time. It's hard to explain but when you have seriously considered suicide at a point in your life and you meet others who have considered it or even attempted it, you feel an instant connection. Not everyone has thought about permanently taking themselves out of the equation. Most people are given a inhibitor that makes them aware of the dangers of such an act. However, some of us have a mental break. I feel a strong connection to those that have that mental break. I feel that we are cut from the same cloth. So when I hear that someone has lost their battle to that same demon that has plagued myself, the loss is much more personal and painful than if they were killed in a car accident or by a natural health issue. I don't want to make suicidal thoughts sound positive, mind you, but it's like we're all on the same team. We've all had the same terrible thoughts. And when one of us loses, it's a loss we all feel.
If you read this, know that I am well. My own self destructive thoughts ended when I became a mother. Suddenly it seemed that I really was part of an equation and an important part. From that moment on suicide might as well have been the same as getting in my car and abandoning my children which I would never do. Leaving them alone to face life is selfish and unfair. However, those memories remain fresh. More fresh than any cuts or scars that are long gone.
Also, if you read this, know you are not alone. Someone will always be willing to listen to you. There is always something to hold on for. Life continues because it must. <3
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