A Message To The Reader Who's Fucking With My Life

    First of all, thanks for reading. Appreciate it. *WINK* I'd like to explain that I am completely aware that I am putting my life out there for the public to read which means I have waived all of my rights and am vulnerable to scrutiny. Fine. Understood. However, I'd like to know why you have nothing better to do than to read my blog and report it to my ex-husband. Especially since my life no longer concerns him. I apparently need to clarify. In my last post, when I stated that I was "entering the dating world" that did not mean that I'm in the game as a star player. I am, in fact, on the bench....by choice. Even if the act of divorce hadn't made me bitter toward men, my ex certainly has. I NEVER want to be put through this bullshit again! I am not dating or even considering it and I don't plan on it for a long time. I also don't know why you feel the need to share my blog with him because I haven't actually said anything that should upset him. I've been incredibly generous with the way I describe him and omitted many of the details of his treachery. After all he's put me through I am still being civil. I think I need a goddamn award! But, no. Instead I write what I think is honest, accurate, and fair and what do I get? Him calling me the next day asking me a million questions about things that are, frankly, none of his goddamn business anymore. Now, of course I can't stop you from sitting by your computer and waiting for me to type up a new post so you can call him up and read it to him. I just felt like saying that I know what you're doing and you're an asshat for doing it. I hope someone fucks you over. Have a nice day.

How To Understand Women: Volume 1 of 489,328,901 (squared)

    Women are crazy. No shit. Here's the thing though. And I'm not saying you should forgive all the fucked up things women can and will do, but....just understand that most of it cannot be helped. Women are wired this way. I'm sure there's some sort of evolutionary reason, but who gives a shit. The point is our brains do not think rationally. Women have an uncanny knack for over-thinking the hell out of everything. EVERYTHING. A woman thinks about the way she walks: "Is my ass jiggling? Watch how you place that weak ankle. Stand up straighter. Stick your tits out. Look busy for Christ's sake." Women think about how they eat: "Is there anything in my teeth? How about now? Is my lipstick ok? Did I eat too much? I'm a fat ass. I really think there's something in my teeth." If we think this much about the completely fucking mundane shit that WE are doing, imagine how much we are dissecting every little thing YOU do and say.

    I'm nearly 30 now and just about to be divorced. As a married woman I used this pile of sparking wires tied to a rabid dog which I call my brain to make myself really goddamn angry. I would think and think until I was ready to commit murder, or rather, break some shit. Now that I'm entering the dating world again, I'm allowed to see men in a light that had been dimmed, almost suffocated after college. I'm old enough now that I can recognize when my "female thought process" is kicking in and sometimes shut it down. Not very often, but sometimes. When something doesn't go the way I want it to my brain starts throwing wild flaming shit at the front door that is my inner monologue. I over-think myself into a bad mood. That's a red flag for me. I have to stop and think to myself "Is this really going down the way I think it is? Or am I just being a goddamned girl about it?" For instance when I talk to a man who shows interest in me, I somehow expect that man to continue his interest at a steady, consistent level (which is not fucking possible). Just because a guy talks to me a little less does not mean he's over me, mad at me, doesn't want to talk to me ever again! He is just busy. Simple as that. However, even with that rational piece of knowledge living in my mind I cannot hear it. It is being choked by the "female thought process" and she is screaming over it "What the fuck is his problem?! Why doesn't he call me like he said he would?! I want to kick a puppy!!!" Now, I've tried to take thoughts like this and lock them up where they can't be heard in the back of my mind. It can't be done. Those thoughts can fit through bars! Turn into fucking vapor and sneak into brain cells that are heavily guarded by the need to reproduce! I'm telling you, the shit's like a bar of soap.  So what does the average woman do? She tries to come up with a way of telling you what you're doing wrong without it sounding like it's crazy even though she knows it probably is super crazy.

    So what should you as a man do to keep a woman happy?  Jesus.....there's nothing. There. Is. Nothing. You can be madly in love with a woman and the second you forget her birthday she is POSITIVE that you don't love and never did. That's just the way our minds work. If there were, for the sake of argument, a man who could keep a woman happy he would have to be tall, handsome, goddamn perfect, smart but not smarter than her, and he would have to pay every ounce of his attention to her all day everyday forever and ever and fucking ever. No? Yeah, ok. The most important thing that I've noticed from my own experience is that women want to be chased. Always. They want to feel like someone out there can't live without them. Once that feeling is gone, they're out. Or they want to be out. When a woman says she's "fine" you should ask her again. And here's a really awesome trick you men could use. Don't be a dick about it when you ask again. Sound polite and calm when you speak. Women hate it when your mouth says "I'm sorry" but your eyes and your tone say "Please take this offering of my dignity and shut the fuck up, you bitch." Big no no, boys.

    You might be thinking "Why try so hard just to keep her from being crazy when she's the one who's crazy?" Well, fucking because. Because woman can make your life really awesome if you're not a dick to them. It sounds like a simple thing, but actually this is the holy goddamn grail of relationship knowledge. If you do and say what she wants, you can have anything you want. It's really easy! I've only ever dated one guy who understood this. He paid attention to me. He did what I asked. He worshiped me. All along he was cheating on my with "too many women to count" (his words). And I never suspected a thing. I was blissfully in love with him because he pretended to be perfect. That's the other thing though. Should you find the holy grail and be perfect to a woman, be prepared for her to looooooove you. I'm talking obsessed, never want to hang up the phone, text you 100 times a day in love. And when you get her to fall so hard, don't act like it annoys the fuck out of you that she's in love. That's a dick move.

    Women are a labyrinth. If you find your way in (insert vagina joke here. Yeah, I said "insert.") you should stay. Because most women won't let you find your way and it's not likely to happen again or with anyone else. Consider yourself lucky. In short, women want to feel like the most important thing in the world to you. More important than your car or your video games or your friends or food or oxygen....yeah, I know...but actually it's not that she has to be more important, it's just that you need to show the effort to make her *feel* like she is. If you even pretend that she's all that matters you will have the happiest woman on the planet who will do anything you want. Probably even anal. End.

Legally Binding

    I'm not so sure that making marriage a legally binding thing is necessary. Divorce definitely requires legal terms and conditions. Otherwise, you'd never get your shit back. I spent my entire lunch break today reading my divorce papers. I can't imagine how much there is to read when you don't agree on things. I signed everything and as I sat there in that over-sized leather chair at a table that was easily 10 feet long I felt excitement well up in me. I thought I would possibly panic or suddenly feel hopeless and depressed over what was happening. I didn't. I felt like I had accomplished something that was bigger than me. Something I never thought I would accomplish. After leaving the lawyer's office, I did begin to feel some slight anxiety and fear. It was quickly replaced with relief. I did have a moment though. A moment of great familiarity. It was the blues creeping back in. I hadn't felt the blues in a few months. I had been momentarily struck down with the waves of awful emotions that came initially with this whole divorce thing, but that's not the same. Hopelessness, dreadful fear, and loneliness. That's the blues. This moment came upon me while I was in the laundromat tonight. I was on the phone and as I began to hang up I was suddenly uneasy. As if the blues were watching me from a crack in the wall or a drain in the floor. And those thoughts that only the blues can make you think crept into my brain. "You are alone now... You've finalized your divorce: No husband. You won't talk to anyone about it: No friends. He has the kids tonight: Empty house. ...And you brought it all on yourself." I nearly began to cry. Right there in the goddamn laundromat. Pathetic. This is what I wanted. I've never been so sure of anything. I suppose I just didn't think about any downsides to it. I honestly never knew how hard divorce would be on the person who wanted it. I've been handling it very well, but my walls are weakening. They need reinforcement. I am very very bad at asking for help though. I do not like people to feel sorry for me. Ever. In fact, I'm thinking of re-writing this right now due to the possibility that someone will want to reach out to me. I don't like the feeling of needing anyone else. It makes me feel weak. I'm not completely lonely though. I do have a few friends who enjoy a good rant and the cat. The cat is the best listener. I'm kidding. Or am I? I am...maybe.

Staying Together For The Kids: Miss-communicated Advice

    I spent 2 years struggling with whether or not my marriage should end. The question wasn't "Do I want to be with him anymore?" The answer to that was a astoundingly deafening "NO!" The questions were more like "Can I live with this? Can I stick it out for the kids' sake." That's what everyone tells you. "Stay together for your kids." And I believe that. I completely believed it. I thought that as long as no one was getting physically hurt, I had no reason to leave. Two years of that...constantly on my mind....knowing I was there for my kids. Then, I had an epiphany. When I was a kid my parents divorced. Before they did my mother used to hide in her bedroom from my father. I was not old enough to understand why and I distinctly remember thinking that my mother wanted nothing to do with me. That wasn't the case though. She was depressed, of course. And then I wondered what my children thought of me always hiding in my room. Luckily my kids have been with me in my room most of the time. Even as a hermit, they wanted to be near me. It was like lightning struck. And I knew I would be a better parent if I were happy. And I could not be happy until I was out. The separation has also made him a better father. He is now solely responsible for the kids when they are in his care. He has been forced to start cooking, cleaning, and taking care of them. It has been good for them and him. He was a good dad before, but not a hands on type. He was good at playing with them and keeping them happy while I did those things. If he were anything less, he wouldn't have joint custody.

    I understand the belief that happy children come from a happy home, not a broken one. It makes sense. However, I am from a broken home and I understand what I need to be happy and how to have a good life. And my home IS happy.  My mother and father were much better people when they were not together. And so are we.  I don't feel like I've let my children down by leaving their father. I'm happier, more productive, and more involved in their lives than ever. I am ultimately concerned with how my kids see this. I want them to look back and see how their lives improved after the divorce.

The Confessional is Open

    It has been about a month and a half since I left my soon-to-be ex-husband. I've spent every ounce of energy I have trying to be civil. It has been exhausting though. He, on the other hand, has taken the....what's the opposite of "the high road"??? The point is he has been saying and doing every possible thing he can think of to try and hurt me the way I've hurt him. Let me reiterate. I am not without fault here. However, he believes my faults are much more than his now. Sometimes. Sometimes, he apologizes and admits total fault. Sometimes, he hates my guts. He believes he is justified in making my life a living hell because of my many faults, some of which have only come to light recently like the fact that I have said mildly inappropriate things to people on the internet. Here's the thing. My sense of humor is wildly inappropriate. It's really the only way I can joke about things. I wouldn't say I flirt with people. I'm actually quite awkward and terrible at flirting, but I do speak on subjects that are improper for public conversation. And, yes, I am guilty of not telling men to "fuck off" when they comment in an unbecoming fashion on my Facebook pictures. I don't return their comments with anything ill-suited though.  And, don't misunderstand. I've never cheated. I've never had an idea or intention of doing so. However, the more freely I had felt over the last few months about talking with other men (albeit average conversations) was sort of a red flag for me. Through my marriage I have been on a constant alert that I should not in any way appear that I wanted attention from any other male. I was so determined to make my husband believe that I would never cheat on him that over the years I'd become quite the cold-shouldered bitch. Now, although we had been discussing divorce for over 2 years. I made the conscience decision that I absolutely must do this a few months ago when I realized that accepting other men's compliments did not shame me anymore. Not only that, but I enjoyed them. He admits to never paying any attention to me. I hadn't received a kind word from anyone in years. Suddenly people were paying attention. Now, in person, most people won't compliment a married woman. The rules are different on the internet. People are anonymous, most of them, and they use that to give complete leave of their conscience and morals. I felt myself slipping even. I know it's not a sin to want attention, but I should have felt like it was at the time. I can't explain why. But the fact that I no longer felt like it was a sin was a very important clue that my marriage was over. My feelings for him were gone. I not only wanted out, but wanted the chance to find someone who might really care about me AND SHOW IT someday. I know, now, that my husband cared about me a great deal. That has only been shown to me now that I've left though. I never thought he cared while I was still there.  I know I never would have cheated, it's just not in me. But my conversations with others, alone, were enough to disrespect him. I'm not saying I told people I wanted to screw them or anything at all like that. Everything I ever said was based in humor; meant to be read as a joke so no one would actually send me a message with the intent of serious inappropriate banter. I am, after all, a coward when it comes to things of that nature. Had anyone decided that my overly sexual humor was an invitation and called on me for a serious conversation, I would have panicked and retreated with extreme embarrassment.
 
    An important part of this is the fact that he is very much a virgin to the internet world. He has, only recently, joined Facebook and Twitter. Trying to explain that everyone talks this way on the internet and it's considered quite normal to someone who's never seen it is impossible. His take on my jokes is that I'm a slut, plain and simple. To him, I may as well have just been sleeping with every person I said something ridiculous to. I can't convince him otherwise. He has even taken to nicknaming me "Kimmi the slut." Nice. It's very frustrating that I spent so many years explaining myself every time I came home a little late or didn't answer my phone. All for naught as it turns out. I'm apparently a slut anyway. He also doesn't believe that I only allowed myself to be this free with my words (mind you, my WORDS, not my being) recently. I was this open before I met him, but as we spent time together I noticed that he had a very distinct jealously problem that stemmed from every ex he had being an avid cheater. I quickly realized that if I wanted to make this man happy, I must sever all ties with male friends and completely abandon my brand of humor. Too many years of this made me a miserable person. I had no life in me. And then, right about the time I started opening up on the internet, I started being much more open around friends too. Even with him sitting next to me, I was becoming myself again. Good sign for me, bad sign for him. You could say much of our marriage was a misunderstanding of the minds. Our personalities are just so different. We were bound to end up apart, I think.

    Now, comes the fun part. The emotional roller coaster continues. His mood swings can only be measured in heart beats. He tells me he knows what he did to lose me, he's so sorry, he'd give anything to get me back. Then he tells me I'm a slut, this is all my fault, he can't wait to fuck someone else, I'm a worthless piece of shit, stop talking to him. And all the while I've been sitting and nodding my head. There's nothing more I can do. I refuse to fight. I just want to walk away and be left alone. In fact, if it weren't for our children I would be long gone. To another city, state, hemisphere...  The truth is, I began this post to get out all the frustration of the things he's put me through in the last month and half, but instead I ended up admitting what I've done wrong, again. I suppose I needed to get it off my chest though. Because although it wasn't cheating, it was wrong. I should have bailed before I dropped my wife guard and, essentially, became myself again. Honestly though, I don't think I had the guts until I became myself again. I can't take things back. I can't undo them. All I can do is sit back and watch the universe unfold.

Safety First!

    So...I was driving on Preacher Roe in the delivery car last Thursday morning and as I passed an area where the city crew is putting in sidewalks and the turning lane is closed I looked up and saw a white SUV in my lane. Although it's a lame excuse, these are the facts. The SUV was stopped and waiting to turn. (All brake light lenses should be clear for this reason) The sun was shining on their taillights so brightly that I did not see that their brake lights were on. There's a strange thing that happens when the sun shines on red taillights. It makes them look like they're glowing but not necessarily on. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Surely you can tell when a car is at a dead stop whether their brake lights are on or not." Haha...no . Not with this depth perception of mine! A major problem is trailers that don't have brake lights. Anyway- I had time to hit the brakes, but to no avail. I rear ended the shit out of them. In an instant that felt like full minutes the airbag blew up in my face, smoke filled the car, and water from a cooler in the back splashed throughout. It was sensory overload! I opened my eyes, looked around, and shoved the door open just enough so I could climb out into the road. I was choking from the smoke and crawled to the side of the road to lie and my back and cough. The first pain I noticed was my arms. I had both hands on the wheel and the airbag hit them on it's way out. The panel from the steering wheel struck my right arm especially hard. Of course, their Explorer thing was barely effected, while the delivery car was TOTALED. I was taken to the E.R. by ambulance, taped down to a goddamn board and it sucked. BUT, I am fine. The airbag burned me in a few places and I am miserably bruised, but I am fine. I was wearing my seat belt, so it could have been much worse. The car is ruined, but it actually wasn't that bad of a wreck. The paramedic explained to me that new cars are mad to crumple easily. That way the *car absorbs all the impact and not *you. Make sense I suppose.

Progression

    It has been a month since Michael and I split up. I'm doing as ok as I can be, I suppose.I have caught myself avoiding people though. I don't really like to talk about it. I like to write about it though. Writing is so much easier for me because I can get it out exactly the way I want to. Also, when I speak, I generally come off as sarcastic even when I don't mean to. People can take what I say the wrong way, possibly because I don't present it very well. I have been talking with some people. One of my oldest and best friends, Melissa, pretty much knows everything. Also I've been talking with my friend, Bryan, who is a very good referencing point because he's a man who has no other interest than friendship with me and who has also been through a divorce. I have completely avoided talking to men who may pursue something more with me. What I find easier than anything is talking to my friends on the internet about everything. I realize now that I need to keep things out of the public so I've stopped with that. Talking to people on the internet is easy because they don't live in our town so there's no possibility of bumping into any of them. And I feel like none of them will judge us because they don't really know us. I know most people are just fine without "internet friends" that they don't know and will never know, but these strangers are more understanding than the people in my real life. And I'm happy to have them.

   As emotions go, we seem to be nearing the end of the Olympics. Seem to be. He has gone through the gamut of emotions and I think he's starting to even out now. And although it's been awful some days and I feel like I never want to see him again, I understand that the bad times must happen. He'll have frustration and anger for a long time. I did too. I just hope he can go be angry in his corner and not take it out on me, although it's about me. I think I've remained civil through all of this. My family has been very neutral about all of it. They just tell me it's my decision, he and I know what's going on and no one else. His family has completely kicked me to the curb. I expected nothing more, honestly. They've made assumptions that I have cheated on him. Why else would I have left so abruptly? The things is, it wasn't abrupt. He and I had this discussion twice before. Neither of us tried to keep it together and now it's over. My family wasn't that surprised. Probably because I tell them everything. He didn't tell his family about our problems and we put on a terrific act for them. So, while I disagree of course, I understand why they feel the way they do. Still, I wish they hadn't shunned me. It's part of it, I guess.

    When this all began I thought that because I was ready to get out that I would feel relieved and happy. I did at first. Then the repercussion part happened. I knew I couldn't be selfish for long. I rarely think of myself and leaving my husband was the ultimate self absorbed act for me. Some people are saying "Good for you for doing what you needed to be happy." Well, that's what I thought at first too, but now I see how it's effected him, our friends, our families, and our children. I don't feel remorse, but I do feel guilt. If there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that I made the right decision. That doesn't make it ok though. Our kids are handling things better than I expected. My daughter is oblivious. She just likes having 2 houses. My son is aware of what's happened but he doesn't know why we can't just stay together. I hope someday he will understand and this won't scar him. I thought my life would be ruined when my parents divorced. It wasn't. It improved greatly. My one goal throughout this is to make sure it's the same way for my kids.

    We visited with the lawyer. We're using the same one because everything is amicable between us. We are doing joint custody with the kids and our time with them will be completely equal. I don't want to be unfair in any way. Neither does he. As divorces go, I think we're doing well. We have bad days, but we still agree on all the legal stuff and I'm told that's the hard part. I think the emotional trouble is the hard part. So many ups and downs. We've talked about literally everything 2 people could possibly talk about though. Even chances of moving on with anyone else. He is unsure about talking to women ( a problem he's always had due to shyness). Me, I've never had to talk to men, they just come to me. As an older woman with 2 children now, I should probably learn to start a conversation though. It won't be as easy as it was for me in college to snag a guy. Of course, where does it even say that I must move on with someone else right away anyway? I'm really enjoying being alone for now. He's been texting a girl, but he doesn't seem interested in her. I've been talking to one of my "stranger" friends on Facebook. The good thing about it is I don't have to worry about him showing up at my door. He's several hundred miles away. It's sort of perfect for someone like me who doesn't want to get eaten up by the wolves that are the desperate single men who hang out in bars. *Shudder* As besides, he's very much like me.

    I've settled into a house. My rent is more than my house payment was. If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't have been able to do this. They've literally done everything involving money for me and I appreciate them so much for that. My mom and I have become close again. I'm really thankful for that. All in all I'd say life is not bad right now. It could be much much worse.

Post Separation

    So the apartment thing was not going to work out. Far too small for me and the kids. I found a house though. An awesome house in an awesome neighborhood. My first night alone I watched Evil Dead and ate Chinese food totally sans pants. It was awesome. At first the kids were really excited to stay in their "new" house. That excitement has wore off a little. Some nights they want to stay with me and other nights they want to stay with their dad. We're both loose about that stuff. We are getting along, but I think it's because he hasn't really allowed himself to get angry about the situation yet. I'm still waiting for his big blow up. I figure it has to happen sometime. I've gotten out all my frustration and at some point he will have to as well. I just hope it doesn't cause us to change our minds about being civil. We want to agree on everything. We want it to go smoothly. I mean, as smoothly as possible. One thing I'm certain of is I do not want to be the typical bitch ex-wife. I want to be fair. He's never been hateful with me and he loves the kids and they love him. There's no reason to do anything hurtful on my end and I hope he feels the same way.

    I've had a huge out pour of friends wanting to help me and offer their shoulders. I can't thank them enough. Everyone has been calling and checking on me and it makes me feel amazing. I had no idea so many people cared about me. As much as I love all the attention, I kind of wish someone would pay attention to Michael. He's the one that's hurting. And, honestly, he can't cry on my shoulder anymore. I've tried to be as understanding as I can, but it's running out. I can't live the separate life I want and be his rock. It just doesn't work. I find myself feeling incredibly annoyed when he tells me how depressed he is. I feel terrible about what I've done to him, but just that it's hurt him, not that it's over. I really wish someone would talk to him so he can get it off his chest. I've been out of the house and away from him for a week and it kind of still feels like we're married!

    I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I don't want to stick it in a box and possibly lose it though. It has my grandmother's ring soldered between them so I plan on giving it to my daughter. Simply tossing it somewhere seems careless. Maybe I'll put it in a safety deposit box. Secretly, I don't necessarily want people to think I'm single either. I don't feel single. At least not yet. I'm not excited to get out into the world, but I am excited to have the option to...if that makes any sense. It's like I want to feel free to go out, but I really hope no one talks to me. I don't know. Mixed emotions about all of it I guess.

    After all of this, I'm still thinking in the back of my mind "I hope Michael can feel as good as I do about this...someday."

Divorce

    It's been a week since I said out loud that I wanted to get divorced. And although I'm the one walking out, it has been the most difficult event of my entire life. And it's only going to get more stressful. I'm glad that it is done. I was unhappy and I couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't just him. We both had completely stopped caring about each other. He did a little before I did. It's done now and by the end of next week, I'll be living in a apartment a few blocks away.
 
    Michael and I never had much in common. The pastor who married us even mentioned that we weren't necessarily a good match. He offered a brilliant idea though that I still tell newly weds. He said "You won't wake up everyday madly in love. The hope is that you wake up and CHOOSE to stay anyway." We were married after dating for 2 years. He had proposed to me after the first year. At first we had normal fights, nothing we couldn't get over. The problems that we started with that stayed with us were my extreme use of sarcasm and his crippling jealousy. I am smarmy, down right rude at times. Often, I'm not even aware of how brash I am. He has a history of ex-girlfriends who cheated on him coupled with an already suspicious demeanor. We had our first child just 4 days before our first wedding anniversary. I settled into the mom role much better than I expected. I was a very stressed new mother, but things were fine mostly. Problems began though. Women who have children often discover than being a mother is wonderful, but being a mother figure to grown man is unacceptable. And men often shift their love and devotion from their wife to the new baby. This combination is deadly to a marriage. Two years later our second and final child came. By now things had become very stressed between us. He was still questioning every time I left the house and I was still smarting off with uncaring, shitty words of wisdom. We were becoming quite complacent. I had let him become one of my children. I was doing everything I could to keep him happy, not because I cared so much but because I didn't want to hear him bitch about anything. I'm sure he also didn't want to hear me bitch. Around 2 years ago he attempted to quit smoking. He failed but did not tell me. He kept it a secret for a long time. When I found out, I was devastated. Not because he was smoking, but because I was completely convinced that he was unable to lie to me about anything and he had succeeded so well. It even made me question how well I knew him. He would pull this "lying about quitting smoking" thing on me a few times before I told him I had become indifferent to it. I told him I refused to care about him if he was going to do that because I didn't want to feel bad anymore. I meant it. I started staying in my room. All the time. We didn't even eat dinner together. We had nearly no interaction between us at all. One year ago, I took the kids to stay at my mother's house and I told him I refused to live my life like this. I said all the problems must be fixed before I turned 30. And now, here we are...

     I told him how I felt. He was very upset. In nearly 10 years of a relationship, I've only ever seen him cry one other time. That would be when we were a new couple and I threatened to break up with him. This was much worse though. I crushed him. He was completely devastated and shocked. I have threatened him with divorce before, but it did not effect him. This time, he knew I wasn't bluffing. He is filled with hopelessness. When I told him, I felt nothing. I was trying to be tough to let him know this was real and I would not waver.  A day later I did finally relax and let the emotions sweep in. It was a tidal wave. I've never cried so hard in my life. I wasn't sad for putting my foot down. I was sad because I hurt him so much. I honestly didn't expect him to be so hurt. He never shows any hint of emotion to me. Never has. I felt he deserved it, but I don't like to hurt people. And even after all we'd done to each other, I still felt terrible for being the one to end it. Neither of have eaten well or slept at all for the last week. We are emotionally exhausted. Things are improving slightly. We can't cry anymore. This hurt has come on strong, in massive waves that are almost impossible to handle, but they're nothing compared to being over 30 and knowing you'll never get the guts to leave a bad situation. However, this is going to help us tremendously. He will be forced to take care of himself finally. He will also be forced to handle the kids on his own. I will be forced to get my life together. To stop hiding behind this computer.

    If anyone who personally knows us ever reads this, I'd like you to know that we never cheated on each other. Never. We both agreed that even if we hated each other, we'd never touch another person without breaking up. And we never hurt each other. We weren't necessarily bad to each other, we just didn't care. I just happened to get fed up first. It seems very sudden to most. That's because we've been pretending to be happy for a long time. He takes blame for breaking me and I take blame for giving up. We're both sorry, but we plan on being as civil as possible. We plan on evenly splitting the time with our children and even trying to be friends so that our children will see the positives of this change. These are all just plans, of course. I've promised to try to stick them above all other aspects. Wish us luck.

Indifference Sucks