I'm Too Old For This Shit

    So, in 1996, I met this girl. We were the shit, even at 12. And in 2003, we were beyond the shit. Everyone loved us because we did whatever we wanted. We had a blast no matter what and we didn't worry about boys or what they thought. And now that I'm getting divorced I've been able to spend time with this chick again. I've missed her. She still doesn't give a shit, does what she wants, always has a blast. There's something wrong for me though. I do give a shit, much more than I ever have or should. And this causes me to NOT have a blast. I went out with her last night. It was only the second time I've left the house since I separated from my soon-to-be ex-husband. And while we still had our moments when I was crying from laughter because we are fucking hilarious together (they should book us as entertainment), I did not enjoy a few parts of the night. Why? Because I am so goddamned worried about the state I am, that I absolutely do not want any attention. It was easy to be wild and care free back in 2003. I was hot! Like, really hot. Now, not so much. I've had 2 kids which have wrecked my body beyond recognition. I have been in a relationship that trained me to never ever want men's attention for nearly 10 years. I am just beat down in more ways than one and it sucks. I love this girl to death and I couldn't figure out why no matter how hard she tried to make me happy last night, I was still thinking "I want to go home." It's because of people looking. I used to not care if they looked. In fact, I counted on it. That feeling is gone now. I spent too many years afraid to move around because I would be judged. I wish I could just turn off that feeling. I can't, though. I don't know how.

    I need to apologize to my friend. She tried so very hard to give me a fun night. I ended up having one drink and returning home. I even left her there because she said she would get another ride. I feel terrible. I couldn't stand it though. The smoke, the noise, the desperate and disgusting people constantly looking. I had to get out of there. Perhaps I am just too old for this shit. I wish it didn't turn out that way though. I thought I was becoming me again, but I suppose I'm not completely there yet.