Divorce

    It's been a week since I said out loud that I wanted to get divorced. And although I'm the one walking out, it has been the most difficult event of my entire life. And it's only going to get more stressful. I'm glad that it is done. I was unhappy and I couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't just him. We both had completely stopped caring about each other. He did a little before I did. It's done now and by the end of next week, I'll be living in a apartment a few blocks away.
 
    Michael and I never had much in common. The pastor who married us even mentioned that we weren't necessarily a good match. He offered a brilliant idea though that I still tell newly weds. He said "You won't wake up everyday madly in love. The hope is that you wake up and CHOOSE to stay anyway." We were married after dating for 2 years. He had proposed to me after the first year. At first we had normal fights, nothing we couldn't get over. The problems that we started with that stayed with us were my extreme use of sarcasm and his crippling jealousy. I am smarmy, down right rude at times. Often, I'm not even aware of how brash I am. He has a history of ex-girlfriends who cheated on him coupled with an already suspicious demeanor. We had our first child just 4 days before our first wedding anniversary. I settled into the mom role much better than I expected. I was a very stressed new mother, but things were fine mostly. Problems began though. Women who have children often discover than being a mother is wonderful, but being a mother figure to grown man is unacceptable. And men often shift their love and devotion from their wife to the new baby. This combination is deadly to a marriage. Two years later our second and final child came. By now things had become very stressed between us. He was still questioning every time I left the house and I was still smarting off with uncaring, shitty words of wisdom. We were becoming quite complacent. I had let him become one of my children. I was doing everything I could to keep him happy, not because I cared so much but because I didn't want to hear him bitch about anything. I'm sure he also didn't want to hear me bitch. Around 2 years ago he attempted to quit smoking. He failed but did not tell me. He kept it a secret for a long time. When I found out, I was devastated. Not because he was smoking, but because I was completely convinced that he was unable to lie to me about anything and he had succeeded so well. It even made me question how well I knew him. He would pull this "lying about quitting smoking" thing on me a few times before I told him I had become indifferent to it. I told him I refused to care about him if he was going to do that because I didn't want to feel bad anymore. I meant it. I started staying in my room. All the time. We didn't even eat dinner together. We had nearly no interaction between us at all. One year ago, I took the kids to stay at my mother's house and I told him I refused to live my life like this. I said all the problems must be fixed before I turned 30. And now, here we are...

     I told him how I felt. He was very upset. In nearly 10 years of a relationship, I've only ever seen him cry one other time. That would be when we were a new couple and I threatened to break up with him. This was much worse though. I crushed him. He was completely devastated and shocked. I have threatened him with divorce before, but it did not effect him. This time, he knew I wasn't bluffing. He is filled with hopelessness. When I told him, I felt nothing. I was trying to be tough to let him know this was real and I would not waver.  A day later I did finally relax and let the emotions sweep in. It was a tidal wave. I've never cried so hard in my life. I wasn't sad for putting my foot down. I was sad because I hurt him so much. I honestly didn't expect him to be so hurt. He never shows any hint of emotion to me. Never has. I felt he deserved it, but I don't like to hurt people. And even after all we'd done to each other, I still felt terrible for being the one to end it. Neither of have eaten well or slept at all for the last week. We are emotionally exhausted. Things are improving slightly. We can't cry anymore. This hurt has come on strong, in massive waves that are almost impossible to handle, but they're nothing compared to being over 30 and knowing you'll never get the guts to leave a bad situation. However, this is going to help us tremendously. He will be forced to take care of himself finally. He will also be forced to handle the kids on his own. I will be forced to get my life together. To stop hiding behind this computer.

    If anyone who personally knows us ever reads this, I'd like you to know that we never cheated on each other. Never. We both agreed that even if we hated each other, we'd never touch another person without breaking up. And we never hurt each other. We weren't necessarily bad to each other, we just didn't care. I just happened to get fed up first. It seems very sudden to most. That's because we've been pretending to be happy for a long time. He takes blame for breaking me and I take blame for giving up. We're both sorry, but we plan on being as civil as possible. We plan on evenly splitting the time with our children and even trying to be friends so that our children will see the positives of this change. These are all just plans, of course. I've promised to try to stick them above all other aspects. Wish us luck.

Indifference Sucks

Eventually.

    Eventually is a good word. It gives you hope. There is no specific time frame for "eventually" but you know it will happen someday. If there's one thing I've learned in nearly 30 years, it's that things always get better....eventually. I'm willing to admit that I'm not entirely sane, but I don't think most people are. It all depends on how you deal with it, I suppose. I've had my share of "the blues." I get down. I used to be down all the time. I kind of think I still am, but I've found a way to get over it a little. Some days are better than others. As a teenager I was a dramatic, emotional mess. That's improved greatly! I find that the older I get, the less sad I am and the more "I don't give a shit." I am. Maybe that's good, maybe not. The point is, every time I've been down and thought life cannot possibly get worse and in no way will it ever get better.....it did! Holy shit, did it. It's gotten so much worse...and then....better. Totally fucking better out of no where. Acceptance is a big part. You have to let things go and let them get better.

    Speaking of which, my situation with my mother has improved. It took a long talk, some admitting of fault, and some clearing up. Things seem good now. I have a shitty attitude, honestly. I need to work on it. But then there's the "I don't give a shit" bubbling up. Things to work on? No way....what for....who cares? My husband and I have things to work on. I don't want to work on it anymore though, honestly. I want it to be fine or not at all. Terrible way to look at things isn't it? Maybe I'm getting old. Don't want to bother with anything because I'm lazy. Or maybe I'm too old for this shit? I have noticed that I don't cry as much now. I used to cry every time I got upset. Now, it's like I don't care enough to cry. I don't know what's going on with me.

    When I have friends who are down, it really bothers me. I feel like if I could have survived the shit I dealt with, surely I can help them. Not that I have this profound effect on people. They pretty much never listen to me and I end not helping them at all. But I am persistent! I don't let people who feel sorry for themselves continue. That shit needs to be stopped, says I. I'm probably pretty goddamn annoying to people. Ah, I don't give a shit. It's going to get better....eventually!

A Message To My Friends.

Tyler Rigdon-Doupe
Arron Pelc & Will Mason
Kenneth & Brandon Peters
Shane Bullock
Meagan Titus

Others I'm not allowed to mention because they're still not out to their families. (Probably because of the same kind of people I'll now rant about.)


     Just got word that only 9 states have approved same sex marriage. What a fucking joke. I can't believe these asshats. Most of the country is FOR same sex marriage so how the hell does something like this happen? It's just like when the Electoral College votes against the majority. When will our so called "leaders" do what we need them to do? Never most likely. I'm still in awe that who you want to be connected with for the rest of your life is up to some dick politician in power. More than being absolutely fucking livid, I'm disappointed. I don't want to live in a country that is still discriminating against it's own goddamn citizens. And I'm sad. My friends. My personal friends who are some of the best people I know have been denied basic human rights by my government. It's a travesty. It makes me cry. My friends are resilient though. I know they'll press on. And I hope they can take solace in the fact that the government can only keep them from that piece of paper, not from who they love. I love all of you and I'm so very sorry.

Political Talk. RUN.

    Ok, so the thing that everyone's been talking about this week is equal marriage rights. Let me start off by saying the fact that this is even something that needs to be debated about is absolutely ludicrous. I have gay friends. I also have religious friends. They're all awesome. They're not assholes and they don't argue. You know why? Because this kind of shit is better left off the table of conversation. I know there is a large amount of people who believe same sex relationships are a sin. I don't understand or identify, but I'm aware of this. I want to know exactly how same sex marriages directly effect this group of people. How? Where is the mortal threat here? Now, if they want to get married in your church? Sure, pitch a fit. Whatever. Otherwise, no one is asking you to be involved. It's not your business who marries who. Not to mention, marriage is a intangible fucking thing. A marriage license is a piece of paper. I'm not even sure why the hell we bother with the law anyway! Unfortunately, we do and if we're going to call it a right or a privilege than EVERYONE should be allowed. It still just confuses the shit out of me that this is up for debate. People can marry their goddamn cousins! I'm fine with that too. I don't give a shit because it will never ever effect the way I live my life.

    I have at least a dozen gay friends. Men and women. They're good people who have wonderful "better halves" and I see no reason to let them live their lives like anyone else. They're not hurting anyone. If you want to protest someone you think is a sinner, go stand outside a prison and protest the release of child molesters awaiting parole. Do something useful with your religion. I don't want to come off like a Christian hater or anything. I've got a few friends who are die hard Christians, but they use their religion for good. They admit that they believe being gay is a sin and they don't agree with it, but they love all humans equally. They use their religion to be happy, help other people, and care for the human race when no one else will. These people are good people and they understand that it's not their business if gay people go to hell or not.

    My opinion on this doesn't matter. I can't effect the outcome for this and I can't convince anyone who thinks otherwise to suddenly change their mind. I know people who are set on bringing this huge step for equality down won't change their opinion about this. That's fine. They can oppose all they want. But the fact is, someday they'll have to realize that's not up to them. It's not anyone's business but your own who you love. Honestly, it shouldn't even be the government's business. Marriage shouldn't be a piece of paper. It should only be a ceremony in which you profess your love to most important person in your life in the company of your friends and family. It should be an open testimony. Not something for regulation, with limitations or paperwork.

Way Cool or Too Cool

    I have trouble discerning the difference between people who are way cooler than I am but are awesome because of it and people who are just too cool for me. I.E. Assholes. Sometimes I meet people and think "This person keeps to themselves. They don't talk much but when they do, it's genius. They seem pretty cool and easy going." Then I get to know them and realize "No, they're actually trying desperately to seem like they're awesome. They are condescending, insist on pointing out any mistake you make, and rarely admit any imperfect thing they've ever done. They're uptight dicks. Sure, they're probably cooler than you, maybe even smarter, but the fact that they feel the need to remind you of that with every conversation you have is goddamn annoying. If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's people who are condescending to me. People who have an unearned sense of entitlement. Nothing will make my angry bitch switch flip like someone talking to me like I'm 5. Fuck you, buddy.

    What sparked this thought is someone on Twitter who tweeted "Sometimes being kind is better than being right." Why don't more people know this?! It should be common knowledge! I've never been that asshole who jumps people for being wrong and tells them how much I know immediately. It's just shitty. If someone says something completely incorrect and I feel that letting them know the truth will benefit them then I usually try to say something "I think it might actually be this." or "I thought that too, but..." What's wrong with cushioning the blow a little? I learned this lesson from being married. When you're married and your spouse says something wrong you can't just be that dick who calls bullshit on them. It can get you into a lot of fights. You have to be polite and say what you think is going on. Every thing runs so much more smoothly in a relationship if you're just polite, even when you don't want to be.

    When it comes to people you're not in a relationship with, why be polite? Oh, I don't know...to make your life a little easier maybe? Why run around starting shit with people all day just because they're opinion is different or they don't know their asshole from a hole in the ground? They're perfectly happy thinking that hole in the ground is their own personal oraphis. I know a couple people who are just contemptuous pricks all day every day. I try to be polite to these people but they just insist on patronizing others. We get it, you're goddamn cool! And no one gives a fuck. It wouldn't kill you to pull your head out of your ass and stop being so superior to the rest of the human race.

This ends our Public Service Announcement.

Anti-Social, Super-Online-Network-Social?

    What it is, blog? Ugh....I still need to come up with some witty name for this so I don't have to call it "blog." I don't have a particular reason to write tonight, type, whatever. I am trying to keep this thing more updated and use it more often. If nothing else, it allows me to clear my head so I don't think so much. I know, I know "How much could she think?", right?  Yeah, well.....I am currently enjoying the shit out some Starburst jellybeans and watching Army of Darkness while my kids pretend to be Linda & Ash via Evil Dead II. My kids are so goddamn awesome.
 
    I titled this one the way I did because it occurs to me that when people actually call wanting me to come out of my house and be social with them, I generally decline. I've got some awesome friends and I love hanging out with them, but I am a loner naturally. I enjoy being by myself. This is the why I've been sucked into the online network world so easily. I can converse with people (people like me) about everything I love and not worry about whether or not I'm being trendy, yet still be alone with my thoughts. It's pretty perfect for someone like me. I have been forcing myself to get out more though. I've got different kinds of friends. I've got cute, trendy, never a hair out of place friends (I don't really fit in with them and I don't know why they like me) and then I have awesome, quirky, rebel friends who I can identify more with but still feel like they're cooler than I am. I have a continual awkward feeling around pretty much everyone. I try not to show it. I tend to be the class clown type in those situations. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid silence. I'd like to think I'm pretty funny though. People certainly laugh at me a lot. Hmm....

    Some people have suggested that I write a blog about the movies I'm always watching. I could see running out of material for that though. Plus everything I "tweet" about movies is based on one-liner style. Can't possibly make a coherent piece out of that junk. Plus, I already know people that do that and do it very well. Plus I don't want anyone to accuse me of being a real critic. I'm not knowledgeable enough!

    What else can I fill in here? What's going on with me right now...? My wrists have become a problem. They hurt all the time. Especially the right which is odd because I'm left-handed. I'm sure it's carpal tunnel or something similar. It feels better when I wear the brace, but then when I take it off the pain rushes back in. Getting old sucks, y'all. And I'm not even old yet! I've bored the masses long enough. Hello? Masses?

Recurring Nightmares

    I love horror movies. If you didn't know that, shame on you. Pay some goddamn attention. Ahem. Most of them don't actually scare me though. There are a few that do for reasons I cannot fathom. Who knows why certain things scare the shit out of us as children and stick with us for our entire lives? The thing that I still think about at night when I go to bed is Zelda. In the book and film, Pet Sematary, Zelda is the sickly sister of the main character's wife, Rachel. When Rachel was young, her older sister was confined to her bed due to a serious (when is it not serious) case of Spinal Meningitis. This illness killed Zelda and Rachel routinely has flashbacks of her sister that she cannot separate from her day to day life. Zelda is grotesque. Terrifying, really. In the book she is described as crouching in Rachel's closet and watching her sleep through a crack in the door as her black tongue dangles out of her mouth. Fucking horrific, no?! In the film, the image of Zelda was burned into my brain. Every single night of my life from age 7 to 15 (no exaggeration), I would dream about Zelda sitting in the corner of my room and smiling at me. I used to watch cartoons until I fell asleep with the hopes that it would keep my mind off of her. I still watch Pet Sematary, but it wasn't until I was 16 that I could stay in the room during the scenes with Zelda. Bitch tormented me. And still does.
    The other recurring nightmare I had as a kid (3 to 10) was about something unexpected. I watched Cat's Eye once. Just once (until recently). All I could remember about it was the little troll that lived in Drew Barrymore's wall. He wasn't particularly terrifying, but as a very young child my brain turned him into something disturbing. This dream always started with me walking out of my parents' bedroom (my parents' bedroom in the crappy trailer we lived in in 1986, mind you). I walk to the living room because the T.V. is blaring with only snow on the screen. There is a severely ominous feel. I push the power button the T.V. It stays on. I feel slight panic. I unplug it. It stays on. More panic. And then I see the troll on the screen. He's not tiny like in the movie. He comes to the edge of the screen and proceeds to "escape" the T.V. Holy fuck, y'all! So, I run out the front door and just as I leave the edge of the porch, he gets me and I wake up. That dream, every night, for years and years. I can't really explain why this one scared me so badly.
    As an adult, my recurring nightmares are much more unusual. They aren't about monsters. It's like my brain plays tricks on my while I'm half asleep. I hear noises that sound like banging on the kitchen table or kids crying. Sometimes, I'm positive there's a person standing next to the bed. What's strange is once I have some illusion in my sleep that scares me awake, it keeps happening. My mind sets some sort of alarm in my head and not only do I repeat the same experiences every night, but usually at the same time of night. Last night I sat up in bed and listened to what I was sure was a screaming baby for at least a full minute. In my daze, I thought it was coming from my husband's clock radio. It will most likely happen again tonight. Strange how your mind can make you see and hear things.

Up Before 8am. NOT Intentionally.

    Being the mother of 2 children, it's normal that I should wake up before 8 am on a Saturday. That doesn't mean it's ok. It blows. I am not a morning person. I never have been. I'm more like a morning monster from the depths of Hell. And on top of hating mornings, I don't drink coffee. I get into a better mood around 10 am, but it wears off around 2:30 pm. I'm at my best at night. I get wide away around 7 pm. I generally don't fall asleep before 1 am. People who are all about mornings? I hate them. Shut up. They wake up feeling rested and refreshed. That has NEVER happened to me a single day in my entire life. I wake up feeling like death. I have a headache, a stomach ache, and my whole body hurts. I pretty much have a hangover every morning without actually consuming any alcohol. Fuck mornings.

    I always have this grand idea that on Saturday, I'm going to clean the house, do some shopping, clean out my car, do some scrapbooking (yeah, I like that shit), do some drawing......all things that I *plan on doing. Then the internet comes along and it's like "Oh, I have so many meaningless yet highly interesting things to tell you about! Don't you want to look at hilarious pictures of cats and Bruce Campbell?" Why, yes I do, internet. Then before I know it a couple hours have passed. So I abandon getting anything done at all, although I still have plenty of time.
   
    Today the agenda consists of making myself presentable (If I can accomplish this, the rest of the day is easy. When I look like shit, I refuse to leave the house), clean out the car (I'll actually enjoy this. My car makes me happy and I can make the neighborhood listen to my music at an obnoxiously loud volume), go grocery shopping (I fucking hate Walmart. People are always in my way and I want to injure them), rake the leaves in the yard (Someone's got to do it), and bar-b-que tonight (No dishes? Hot damn!). If I do all of these things today, I will be shocked and amazed. The first step is closing my laptop. Later, blog. I still despise the word "blog." You need a name, stupid blog. I will think on this...

They Come In 3's

    My mother says bad luck comes in 3's. She is a pagan. She believes in fate, natural order, and the healing power of nature. Luckily she has not asked me to dance naked in the moonlight ( that is a real thing). Anyway...She's told me this my entire life which means when something terrible happens to me, my first thought is always "Fuck it all, there are 2 more!" And...there usually are. What manner of dark sorcery, karmic raping is this?!!!

    Catastrophe 1: Hacked Bank Account

On Monday I received an email from Amazon alerting me that someone had opened an account with my card number. They knew it was lame, so they shut that shit down right away. I'm thinking "Wow, that could have been really bad." Then I check my bank account anyway, who knows why and HOLY SHIT! I don't remember spending that...or that....or that! Oh, no...I did spend that, but those other things I did NOT spend, no siree!!! So I call my bank. They are open, but no one is answering. Damn it. I text my friend who works at the bank and she gives me an extension to call (holla to having friends in mildly important places!). I tell them I have things on my statement that I did not do. They go into full "Holy fuck, we are incompetent"  mode and shut off my card. Great, I'll be writing checks at Casey's general store and Walmart for the next 2 weeks because not a single goddamn other place in town takes checks anymore and when I carry money it magically disappears. Then the bank informs me that I must personally try to collect said stolen money. They only step in when I am denied. Ugh...I hate being on the phone...and talking....to strangers...about business and money. There are phone numbers on every transaction on a bank statement. Good to know. The fraudulent transactions were all through Pay Pal. I call the number and even the girl at Pay Pal is like "Oh my God! I can't believe this happened to you!" I seem to be the only person underwhelmed by all of this. Pay Pal broad assures me everything will be fixed. I found out that my money was used to buy online gaming subscriptions. Oh ho ho, fuck you, internet nerds! I feel violated, angry, tired? Livid. In hindsight  though I realize that if this had happened any other time of the year except tax time, I would have been royally ruined. I'm normally quite broke and the bouncing fees would have been blinding. I might have gotten out of them, but I know my bank. It's a dick. And there would have been some heated argument.

    Catastrophe 2: Fuck the Police

In case I've not mentioned it before, I am a commercial driver. As with any job, I am continually pressured to rush everything I do. This is a bad combination. On Tuesday I was driving back from Willow Springs, a town 20 minutes away. The speed limit is 65. I was driving 75. I was caught doing so. The cop was a prick. They usually are. I am very polite to police until they hand me my ticket, then all bets are off. I'm a bitch, I hate them, and I want them to know it. He asked if I had any questions. I said "No thanks, I'm going to lose my job, you've done enough, bye." He says "I don't know what to tell you about that. You can talk to the prosecutor." Whatever, ball sack... I still had 7 more miles to think about what just happened. Am I really going to lose my job, why the fuck was I speeding, how far away is Mexico from here? I got back to the store and handed my boss the ticket. He and everyone acted like it was nothing. Apparently commercial drivers are allowed one ticket a year. Seems really irresponsible, but ok. I was laughing about it later.

    Catastrophe 3: Last Minute Bad News

Boss calls me into the office this afternoon. There's a phone call for me. It's the territory manager, a big wig who's actually not bad to deal with. He says "What's this ticket I've heard about?" I think I'm in trouble. Then he gives me a website to go to try and fix the ticket. No biggie. My boss tells me he has to write me up for "ignoring safety rules." Fucking fine. I call the prosecutor to make all this go away. On the ticket there is a box that says "Court Date." This box should have a date in it. Ta-da! It doesn't. It only says "Due in 30 days." I tell the prosecutor this and his tone turns somber. This means the cop, the dickless, fatass, prick cop, has intentionally denied me a court date and therefor "bypassed" the chance of the prosecutor fixing it. In my head, I am screaming. I really thought I could get through Friday without the 3rd catastrophe happening. Silly. I spent the rest of the day ignoring the feeling of worry in the pit of my stomach, taking deep breaths, and choking back to need to expel the screaming. I even escaped to the bathroom a couple times to get my shit together before someone discovered I was upset and asked me about it. As soon as I stepped in the door I started crying. My husband asked me what was wrong and I really started crying. I gave a truly accurate, but colorful explanation of how the week has beat me down and had a full on fit. Now, I feel fine. I'm not worried and I'm not upset. It is what it is. 

    And now, it is the muthafuckin weekend!