Safety First!

    So...I was driving on Preacher Roe in the delivery car last Thursday morning and as I passed an area where the city crew is putting in sidewalks and the turning lane is closed I looked up and saw a white SUV in my lane. Although it's a lame excuse, these are the facts. The SUV was stopped and waiting to turn. (All brake light lenses should be clear for this reason) The sun was shining on their taillights so brightly that I did not see that their brake lights were on. There's a strange thing that happens when the sun shines on red taillights. It makes them look like they're glowing but not necessarily on. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Surely you can tell when a car is at a dead stop whether their brake lights are on or not." Haha...no . Not with this depth perception of mine! A major problem is trailers that don't have brake lights. Anyway- I had time to hit the brakes, but to no avail. I rear ended the shit out of them. In an instant that felt like full minutes the airbag blew up in my face, smoke filled the car, and water from a cooler in the back splashed throughout. It was sensory overload! I opened my eyes, looked around, and shoved the door open just enough so I could climb out into the road. I was choking from the smoke and crawled to the side of the road to lie and my back and cough. The first pain I noticed was my arms. I had both hands on the wheel and the airbag hit them on it's way out. The panel from the steering wheel struck my right arm especially hard. Of course, their Explorer thing was barely effected, while the delivery car was TOTALED. I was taken to the E.R. by ambulance, taped down to a goddamn board and it sucked. BUT, I am fine. The airbag burned me in a few places and I am miserably bruised, but I am fine. I was wearing my seat belt, so it could have been much worse. The car is ruined, but it actually wasn't that bad of a wreck. The paramedic explained to me that new cars are mad to crumple easily. That way the *car absorbs all the impact and not *you. Make sense I suppose.

Progression

    It has been a month since Michael and I split up. I'm doing as ok as I can be, I suppose.I have caught myself avoiding people though. I don't really like to talk about it. I like to write about it though. Writing is so much easier for me because I can get it out exactly the way I want to. Also, when I speak, I generally come off as sarcastic even when I don't mean to. People can take what I say the wrong way, possibly because I don't present it very well. I have been talking with some people. One of my oldest and best friends, Melissa, pretty much knows everything. Also I've been talking with my friend, Bryan, who is a very good referencing point because he's a man who has no other interest than friendship with me and who has also been through a divorce. I have completely avoided talking to men who may pursue something more with me. What I find easier than anything is talking to my friends on the internet about everything. I realize now that I need to keep things out of the public so I've stopped with that. Talking to people on the internet is easy because they don't live in our town so there's no possibility of bumping into any of them. And I feel like none of them will judge us because they don't really know us. I know most people are just fine without "internet friends" that they don't know and will never know, but these strangers are more understanding than the people in my real life. And I'm happy to have them.

   As emotions go, we seem to be nearing the end of the Olympics. Seem to be. He has gone through the gamut of emotions and I think he's starting to even out now. And although it's been awful some days and I feel like I never want to see him again, I understand that the bad times must happen. He'll have frustration and anger for a long time. I did too. I just hope he can go be angry in his corner and not take it out on me, although it's about me. I think I've remained civil through all of this. My family has been very neutral about all of it. They just tell me it's my decision, he and I know what's going on and no one else. His family has completely kicked me to the curb. I expected nothing more, honestly. They've made assumptions that I have cheated on him. Why else would I have left so abruptly? The things is, it wasn't abrupt. He and I had this discussion twice before. Neither of us tried to keep it together and now it's over. My family wasn't that surprised. Probably because I tell them everything. He didn't tell his family about our problems and we put on a terrific act for them. So, while I disagree of course, I understand why they feel the way they do. Still, I wish they hadn't shunned me. It's part of it, I guess.

    When this all began I thought that because I was ready to get out that I would feel relieved and happy. I did at first. Then the repercussion part happened. I knew I couldn't be selfish for long. I rarely think of myself and leaving my husband was the ultimate self absorbed act for me. Some people are saying "Good for you for doing what you needed to be happy." Well, that's what I thought at first too, but now I see how it's effected him, our friends, our families, and our children. I don't feel remorse, but I do feel guilt. If there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that I made the right decision. That doesn't make it ok though. Our kids are handling things better than I expected. My daughter is oblivious. She just likes having 2 houses. My son is aware of what's happened but he doesn't know why we can't just stay together. I hope someday he will understand and this won't scar him. I thought my life would be ruined when my parents divorced. It wasn't. It improved greatly. My one goal throughout this is to make sure it's the same way for my kids.

    We visited with the lawyer. We're using the same one because everything is amicable between us. We are doing joint custody with the kids and our time with them will be completely equal. I don't want to be unfair in any way. Neither does he. As divorces go, I think we're doing well. We have bad days, but we still agree on all the legal stuff and I'm told that's the hard part. I think the emotional trouble is the hard part. So many ups and downs. We've talked about literally everything 2 people could possibly talk about though. Even chances of moving on with anyone else. He is unsure about talking to women ( a problem he's always had due to shyness). Me, I've never had to talk to men, they just come to me. As an older woman with 2 children now, I should probably learn to start a conversation though. It won't be as easy as it was for me in college to snag a guy. Of course, where does it even say that I must move on with someone else right away anyway? I'm really enjoying being alone for now. He's been texting a girl, but he doesn't seem interested in her. I've been talking to one of my "stranger" friends on Facebook. The good thing about it is I don't have to worry about him showing up at my door. He's several hundred miles away. It's sort of perfect for someone like me who doesn't want to get eaten up by the wolves that are the desperate single men who hang out in bars. *Shudder* As besides, he's very much like me.

    I've settled into a house. My rent is more than my house payment was. If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't have been able to do this. They've literally done everything involving money for me and I appreciate them so much for that. My mom and I have become close again. I'm really thankful for that. All in all I'd say life is not bad right now. It could be much much worse.

Post Separation

    So the apartment thing was not going to work out. Far too small for me and the kids. I found a house though. An awesome house in an awesome neighborhood. My first night alone I watched Evil Dead and ate Chinese food totally sans pants. It was awesome. At first the kids were really excited to stay in their "new" house. That excitement has wore off a little. Some nights they want to stay with me and other nights they want to stay with their dad. We're both loose about that stuff. We are getting along, but I think it's because he hasn't really allowed himself to get angry about the situation yet. I'm still waiting for his big blow up. I figure it has to happen sometime. I've gotten out all my frustration and at some point he will have to as well. I just hope it doesn't cause us to change our minds about being civil. We want to agree on everything. We want it to go smoothly. I mean, as smoothly as possible. One thing I'm certain of is I do not want to be the typical bitch ex-wife. I want to be fair. He's never been hateful with me and he loves the kids and they love him. There's no reason to do anything hurtful on my end and I hope he feels the same way.

    I've had a huge out pour of friends wanting to help me and offer their shoulders. I can't thank them enough. Everyone has been calling and checking on me and it makes me feel amazing. I had no idea so many people cared about me. As much as I love all the attention, I kind of wish someone would pay attention to Michael. He's the one that's hurting. And, honestly, he can't cry on my shoulder anymore. I've tried to be as understanding as I can, but it's running out. I can't live the separate life I want and be his rock. It just doesn't work. I find myself feeling incredibly annoyed when he tells me how depressed he is. I feel terrible about what I've done to him, but just that it's hurt him, not that it's over. I really wish someone would talk to him so he can get it off his chest. I've been out of the house and away from him for a week and it kind of still feels like we're married!

    I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I don't want to stick it in a box and possibly lose it though. It has my grandmother's ring soldered between them so I plan on giving it to my daughter. Simply tossing it somewhere seems careless. Maybe I'll put it in a safety deposit box. Secretly, I don't necessarily want people to think I'm single either. I don't feel single. At least not yet. I'm not excited to get out into the world, but I am excited to have the option to...if that makes any sense. It's like I want to feel free to go out, but I really hope no one talks to me. I don't know. Mixed emotions about all of it I guess.

    After all of this, I'm still thinking in the back of my mind "I hope Michael can feel as good as I do about this...someday."

Divorce

    It's been a week since I said out loud that I wanted to get divorced. And although I'm the one walking out, it has been the most difficult event of my entire life. And it's only going to get more stressful. I'm glad that it is done. I was unhappy and I couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't just him. We both had completely stopped caring about each other. He did a little before I did. It's done now and by the end of next week, I'll be living in a apartment a few blocks away.
 
    Michael and I never had much in common. The pastor who married us even mentioned that we weren't necessarily a good match. He offered a brilliant idea though that I still tell newly weds. He said "You won't wake up everyday madly in love. The hope is that you wake up and CHOOSE to stay anyway." We were married after dating for 2 years. He had proposed to me after the first year. At first we had normal fights, nothing we couldn't get over. The problems that we started with that stayed with us were my extreme use of sarcasm and his crippling jealousy. I am smarmy, down right rude at times. Often, I'm not even aware of how brash I am. He has a history of ex-girlfriends who cheated on him coupled with an already suspicious demeanor. We had our first child just 4 days before our first wedding anniversary. I settled into the mom role much better than I expected. I was a very stressed new mother, but things were fine mostly. Problems began though. Women who have children often discover than being a mother is wonderful, but being a mother figure to grown man is unacceptable. And men often shift their love and devotion from their wife to the new baby. This combination is deadly to a marriage. Two years later our second and final child came. By now things had become very stressed between us. He was still questioning every time I left the house and I was still smarting off with uncaring, shitty words of wisdom. We were becoming quite complacent. I had let him become one of my children. I was doing everything I could to keep him happy, not because I cared so much but because I didn't want to hear him bitch about anything. I'm sure he also didn't want to hear me bitch. Around 2 years ago he attempted to quit smoking. He failed but did not tell me. He kept it a secret for a long time. When I found out, I was devastated. Not because he was smoking, but because I was completely convinced that he was unable to lie to me about anything and he had succeeded so well. It even made me question how well I knew him. He would pull this "lying about quitting smoking" thing on me a few times before I told him I had become indifferent to it. I told him I refused to care about him if he was going to do that because I didn't want to feel bad anymore. I meant it. I started staying in my room. All the time. We didn't even eat dinner together. We had nearly no interaction between us at all. One year ago, I took the kids to stay at my mother's house and I told him I refused to live my life like this. I said all the problems must be fixed before I turned 30. And now, here we are...

     I told him how I felt. He was very upset. In nearly 10 years of a relationship, I've only ever seen him cry one other time. That would be when we were a new couple and I threatened to break up with him. This was much worse though. I crushed him. He was completely devastated and shocked. I have threatened him with divorce before, but it did not effect him. This time, he knew I wasn't bluffing. He is filled with hopelessness. When I told him, I felt nothing. I was trying to be tough to let him know this was real and I would not waver.  A day later I did finally relax and let the emotions sweep in. It was a tidal wave. I've never cried so hard in my life. I wasn't sad for putting my foot down. I was sad because I hurt him so much. I honestly didn't expect him to be so hurt. He never shows any hint of emotion to me. Never has. I felt he deserved it, but I don't like to hurt people. And even after all we'd done to each other, I still felt terrible for being the one to end it. Neither of have eaten well or slept at all for the last week. We are emotionally exhausted. Things are improving slightly. We can't cry anymore. This hurt has come on strong, in massive waves that are almost impossible to handle, but they're nothing compared to being over 30 and knowing you'll never get the guts to leave a bad situation. However, this is going to help us tremendously. He will be forced to take care of himself finally. He will also be forced to handle the kids on his own. I will be forced to get my life together. To stop hiding behind this computer.

    If anyone who personally knows us ever reads this, I'd like you to know that we never cheated on each other. Never. We both agreed that even if we hated each other, we'd never touch another person without breaking up. And we never hurt each other. We weren't necessarily bad to each other, we just didn't care. I just happened to get fed up first. It seems very sudden to most. That's because we've been pretending to be happy for a long time. He takes blame for breaking me and I take blame for giving up. We're both sorry, but we plan on being as civil as possible. We plan on evenly splitting the time with our children and even trying to be friends so that our children will see the positives of this change. These are all just plans, of course. I've promised to try to stick them above all other aspects. Wish us luck.

Indifference Sucks

Eventually.

    Eventually is a good word. It gives you hope. There is no specific time frame for "eventually" but you know it will happen someday. If there's one thing I've learned in nearly 30 years, it's that things always get better....eventually. I'm willing to admit that I'm not entirely sane, but I don't think most people are. It all depends on how you deal with it, I suppose. I've had my share of "the blues." I get down. I used to be down all the time. I kind of think I still am, but I've found a way to get over it a little. Some days are better than others. As a teenager I was a dramatic, emotional mess. That's improved greatly! I find that the older I get, the less sad I am and the more "I don't give a shit." I am. Maybe that's good, maybe not. The point is, every time I've been down and thought life cannot possibly get worse and in no way will it ever get better.....it did! Holy shit, did it. It's gotten so much worse...and then....better. Totally fucking better out of no where. Acceptance is a big part. You have to let things go and let them get better.

    Speaking of which, my situation with my mother has improved. It took a long talk, some admitting of fault, and some clearing up. Things seem good now. I have a shitty attitude, honestly. I need to work on it. But then there's the "I don't give a shit" bubbling up. Things to work on? No way....what for....who cares? My husband and I have things to work on. I don't want to work on it anymore though, honestly. I want it to be fine or not at all. Terrible way to look at things isn't it? Maybe I'm getting old. Don't want to bother with anything because I'm lazy. Or maybe I'm too old for this shit? I have noticed that I don't cry as much now. I used to cry every time I got upset. Now, it's like I don't care enough to cry. I don't know what's going on with me.

    When I have friends who are down, it really bothers me. I feel like if I could have survived the shit I dealt with, surely I can help them. Not that I have this profound effect on people. They pretty much never listen to me and I end not helping them at all. But I am persistent! I don't let people who feel sorry for themselves continue. That shit needs to be stopped, says I. I'm probably pretty goddamn annoying to people. Ah, I don't give a shit. It's going to get better....eventually!

A Message To My Friends.

Tyler Rigdon-Doupe
Arron Pelc & Will Mason
Kenneth & Brandon Peters
Shane Bullock
Meagan Titus

Others I'm not allowed to mention because they're still not out to their families. (Probably because of the same kind of people I'll now rant about.)


     Just got word that only 9 states have approved same sex marriage. What a fucking joke. I can't believe these asshats. Most of the country is FOR same sex marriage so how the hell does something like this happen? It's just like when the Electoral College votes against the majority. When will our so called "leaders" do what we need them to do? Never most likely. I'm still in awe that who you want to be connected with for the rest of your life is up to some dick politician in power. More than being absolutely fucking livid, I'm disappointed. I don't want to live in a country that is still discriminating against it's own goddamn citizens. And I'm sad. My friends. My personal friends who are some of the best people I know have been denied basic human rights by my government. It's a travesty. It makes me cry. My friends are resilient though. I know they'll press on. And I hope they can take solace in the fact that the government can only keep them from that piece of paper, not from who they love. I love all of you and I'm so very sorry.

Political Talk. RUN.

    Ok, so the thing that everyone's been talking about this week is equal marriage rights. Let me start off by saying the fact that this is even something that needs to be debated about is absolutely ludicrous. I have gay friends. I also have religious friends. They're all awesome. They're not assholes and they don't argue. You know why? Because this kind of shit is better left off the table of conversation. I know there is a large amount of people who believe same sex relationships are a sin. I don't understand or identify, but I'm aware of this. I want to know exactly how same sex marriages directly effect this group of people. How? Where is the mortal threat here? Now, if they want to get married in your church? Sure, pitch a fit. Whatever. Otherwise, no one is asking you to be involved. It's not your business who marries who. Not to mention, marriage is a intangible fucking thing. A marriage license is a piece of paper. I'm not even sure why the hell we bother with the law anyway! Unfortunately, we do and if we're going to call it a right or a privilege than EVERYONE should be allowed. It still just confuses the shit out of me that this is up for debate. People can marry their goddamn cousins! I'm fine with that too. I don't give a shit because it will never ever effect the way I live my life.

    I have at least a dozen gay friends. Men and women. They're good people who have wonderful "better halves" and I see no reason to let them live their lives like anyone else. They're not hurting anyone. If you want to protest someone you think is a sinner, go stand outside a prison and protest the release of child molesters awaiting parole. Do something useful with your religion. I don't want to come off like a Christian hater or anything. I've got a few friends who are die hard Christians, but they use their religion for good. They admit that they believe being gay is a sin and they don't agree with it, but they love all humans equally. They use their religion to be happy, help other people, and care for the human race when no one else will. These people are good people and they understand that it's not their business if gay people go to hell or not.

    My opinion on this doesn't matter. I can't effect the outcome for this and I can't convince anyone who thinks otherwise to suddenly change their mind. I know people who are set on bringing this huge step for equality down won't change their opinion about this. That's fine. They can oppose all they want. But the fact is, someday they'll have to realize that's not up to them. It's not anyone's business but your own who you love. Honestly, it shouldn't even be the government's business. Marriage shouldn't be a piece of paper. It should only be a ceremony in which you profess your love to most important person in your life in the company of your friends and family. It should be an open testimony. Not something for regulation, with limitations or paperwork.

Way Cool or Too Cool

    I have trouble discerning the difference between people who are way cooler than I am but are awesome because of it and people who are just too cool for me. I.E. Assholes. Sometimes I meet people and think "This person keeps to themselves. They don't talk much but when they do, it's genius. They seem pretty cool and easy going." Then I get to know them and realize "No, they're actually trying desperately to seem like they're awesome. They are condescending, insist on pointing out any mistake you make, and rarely admit any imperfect thing they've ever done. They're uptight dicks. Sure, they're probably cooler than you, maybe even smarter, but the fact that they feel the need to remind you of that with every conversation you have is goddamn annoying. If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's people who are condescending to me. People who have an unearned sense of entitlement. Nothing will make my angry bitch switch flip like someone talking to me like I'm 5. Fuck you, buddy.

    What sparked this thought is someone on Twitter who tweeted "Sometimes being kind is better than being right." Why don't more people know this?! It should be common knowledge! I've never been that asshole who jumps people for being wrong and tells them how much I know immediately. It's just shitty. If someone says something completely incorrect and I feel that letting them know the truth will benefit them then I usually try to say something "I think it might actually be this." or "I thought that too, but..." What's wrong with cushioning the blow a little? I learned this lesson from being married. When you're married and your spouse says something wrong you can't just be that dick who calls bullshit on them. It can get you into a lot of fights. You have to be polite and say what you think is going on. Every thing runs so much more smoothly in a relationship if you're just polite, even when you don't want to be.

    When it comes to people you're not in a relationship with, why be polite? Oh, I don't know...to make your life a little easier maybe? Why run around starting shit with people all day just because they're opinion is different or they don't know their asshole from a hole in the ground? They're perfectly happy thinking that hole in the ground is their own personal oraphis. I know a couple people who are just contemptuous pricks all day every day. I try to be polite to these people but they just insist on patronizing others. We get it, you're goddamn cool! And no one gives a fuck. It wouldn't kill you to pull your head out of your ass and stop being so superior to the rest of the human race.

This ends our Public Service Announcement.

Anti-Social, Super-Online-Network-Social?

    What it is, blog? Ugh....I still need to come up with some witty name for this so I don't have to call it "blog." I don't have a particular reason to write tonight, type, whatever. I am trying to keep this thing more updated and use it more often. If nothing else, it allows me to clear my head so I don't think so much. I know, I know "How much could she think?", right?  Yeah, well.....I am currently enjoying the shit out some Starburst jellybeans and watching Army of Darkness while my kids pretend to be Linda & Ash via Evil Dead II. My kids are so goddamn awesome.
 
    I titled this one the way I did because it occurs to me that when people actually call wanting me to come out of my house and be social with them, I generally decline. I've got some awesome friends and I love hanging out with them, but I am a loner naturally. I enjoy being by myself. This is the why I've been sucked into the online network world so easily. I can converse with people (people like me) about everything I love and not worry about whether or not I'm being trendy, yet still be alone with my thoughts. It's pretty perfect for someone like me. I have been forcing myself to get out more though. I've got different kinds of friends. I've got cute, trendy, never a hair out of place friends (I don't really fit in with them and I don't know why they like me) and then I have awesome, quirky, rebel friends who I can identify more with but still feel like they're cooler than I am. I have a continual awkward feeling around pretty much everyone. I try not to show it. I tend to be the class clown type in those situations. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid silence. I'd like to think I'm pretty funny though. People certainly laugh at me a lot. Hmm....

    Some people have suggested that I write a blog about the movies I'm always watching. I could see running out of material for that though. Plus everything I "tweet" about movies is based on one-liner style. Can't possibly make a coherent piece out of that junk. Plus, I already know people that do that and do it very well. Plus I don't want anyone to accuse me of being a real critic. I'm not knowledgeable enough!

    What else can I fill in here? What's going on with me right now...? My wrists have become a problem. They hurt all the time. Especially the right which is odd because I'm left-handed. I'm sure it's carpal tunnel or something similar. It feels better when I wear the brace, but then when I take it off the pain rushes back in. Getting old sucks, y'all. And I'm not even old yet! I've bored the masses long enough. Hello? Masses?